Ragged Hems and Sparkle Butts

How are crooked hems pretty? I don't get it. (I've also been accused of having no fashion sense, so ignore me if you closet is full of sweeping asymmetrical hemlines.) When I see a crooked hem, my fingers itch to get at my scissors, pins, needle and thread to fix it.
And how are sparkle butt pants attractive? (Again, if you have nothing but sparkle butt pants, WHY?") Unless you have the dimensions of a pencil and your butt is your best asset (har-har) why draw attention to it? I've followed behind ladies clad in sparkle butt designs and, yes, it does broaden their base.
What fashions curl your eyelashes? (I'm sure you'll find some in my closet!)