Sherlock, move over for LEMON TART!

Oo, oo, Josi Kilpack's new mystery, LEMON TART, is out! I love mysteries, Sherlock Holmes being my first love, but you've got to go read about this and see Josi's pretty face and the bright, springtime cover on her new book! Click HERE: Amazing Anne Bradshaw free book offer!
(You'll be glad you did!)

Weird things just happen

by Shirley Bahlmann
How would you like to be reading your scriptures in the quiet of early morning when you gradually become aware of a red face moving into your peripheral vision? You turn your eyes to the side in frank disbelief and end up nose to nose with a shiny, leering, toothy face drifting around your head, as though sizing you up to see how good you might taste.
Thanks to my artistic sons, I had that enviable experience. A partially deflated helium balloon that one of my boys so artfully decorated floated into my room after Bob left for work. Then it peeked over my shoulder like the devil looking for an opening. SHIVER ME TIMBERS!
Last weekend, another odd coincidence happened, although not so frightening. Michael had a basketball game in Manti, and afterward I started driving up to my mother's house to say "Hi." Before I'd gone half a block, my sister Loraine called and asked if I would ride with my mother to Highland where Loraine had arranged for her to try a new massage technique. Only 15 minutes earlier, I'd declined to go with Bob to a Richfield wrestling match, even though the lure of a Chinese food lunch was in the air. I was as free as a butterfly in a birdless world.
I left Michael with his McGarry cousins, much to his delight, then Mom and I got to meet with Loraine and have lunch, that is, after we made an emergency exit to feed Mom's hungry van two quarts of oil and a bottle of water. After lunch, I sat with my feet up on a cushioned chair and worked on a book on my laptop while Mom and Loraine listened to the massage-y lecture and demonstration. It was an unexpected adventure that all came together, and I'm glad it happened.
Today, I heard a story about a man who was losing his shale company. He chose to pay his tithing instead of making another loan payment, then went out for one last look at his place. Strangely enough, he noticed a shiny rock partially buried in the ground near his feet. When he dug it up out of idle curiosity, he found himself holding one of the largest gold nuggets in the world. It completely paid off his business loans, and he ran his shale company happily ever after.
Hey, I'd take a gold nugget over a red-faced balloon that still gives my heart the jimmy-jumps when I think about it. Wouldn't you?

Out from behind bars

by Shirley Bahlmann
Yikes - My son, Andy, reminded me that I haven't said if I'm out of jail yet. YES!
I thought I would be behind bars, but I was behind a door with a narrow window in it. If the door was pulled shut, it would lock automatically. This was not my favorite thing, but my cell mate, Michael, liked to lock the door, then call on the intercom for the guards to open it. Mega-muscle kid Michael also pulled one of the screws out of the metal flap that lets food pass through with his bare hands. He reported the loose screw to the authorities, but the next morning after he called on the intercom for us to be let out of the room (while I was doing deep breathing, telling myself that, yes, there was air) he pushed the door open and the trap door slapped down with a bang!
The room was only about 8' by 6'. The toilet was solid metal and was facing away from the door, but if someone put their face right up to the narrow window, they would be able to see a rather full moon. So I was glad to have my folding accordion cardboard fabric board to use as a screen. It was easier to access the cell potty than to run out and down the cement stairs and along the loooong hall to the public restroom.
Brian ended up coming only for the evening, enjoying the meal of tube steaks (hot dogs) and entrees (various bags of chips). He took one look at the barely 24" wide, 2" thick plastic covered foam mattresses and decided to go to the high school dance instead. But he did get his mug shot and a cool T-Shirt that reads, "I spent a night in the Sanpete County jail."
Brian missed the flashlight checks all night long. He missed the breakfast of pancakes and rubber eggs.
At one point, Michael patted the cell wall and said, "I like it here, Mom." So we had a discussion about how it could be fun if you knew you could leave. Otherwise, you wouldn't be able to go to the store or the park or the swimming pool or play with his friends, and it would get tiresome very fast.
I told Michael that's the only night I want him to spend in jail. And that goes for me, too!

What do you wear to jail?

By Shirley Bahlmann
Tonight I'll be in jail. Seriously. But it's not my fault! It's all because of my two youngest sons.
We have a new county jail, you see, and someone thought of the bright idea to let community people stay there overnight before it's officially opened for business. Bob thought he might go stay with 9-year-old Michael, but his available next weekend is booked solid, so guess who is the responsible adult? (Well, the adult, anyway. No, not 15-year-old Brian who is going, too, but me. Moi.) When I called to book the room, the dispatcher told me there was an open toilet in the cell. No walls, no door.
Okay. So now what? I'm not willing to do what needs doing out in plain sight, so what to do about it? Wear an adult diaper? No, too drastic. I've got to shield myself... ah, yes! Use my accordion cardboard fabric mat! It folds out to make a screen that reaches clear to... oh. My waist.
Hm. That's okay when I'm sitting down, but what about standing up? What to do, what to do? Aha! Did you know that Queen Victoria used to hold court while sitting on a toilet? She covered the porcelain throne with her voluminous skirts! What's good enough for her is good enough for me. I'm wearing my long black jumper that goes clear to the floor. I've also got on my fuzzy hoodie, and I'm bringing my pink bathrobe to put over my head if necessary.
Yes, I think I'll cope just fine. I've had nothing to drink all afternoon, so maybe I won't even need to use the potty after all! And since this is the only overnight jail stay I ever plan to make, then I'll drink all the water I want from tomorrow on!
I'll just call this whole adventure "research."
Shirley Whirley Jailbird Girly

Miss America Pageant

by Shirley Bahlmann
Well, we're home from the Miss America pageant, which was fun, putting aside the fact that Miss Utah didn't win. Still, the winner, Katie Stam of Indiana, sang a song about Jesus for her talent and also shows dairy cows at her county fair, so I'd say she's a decent pick for second place in my ranks.
It was so nice to have a week where nothing was expected except to go watch a show, take notes, turn down an invitation to have a cocktail, and hang out with three grandchildren. I never realized how down time can rejuvenate a person. I'm not talking down time as in feeling down because my publisher already signed all their Christmas books for this year even though January isn't over yet, or that another of my publishers has gone out of business, leaving some orphaned books behind. No, I mean down time without multiple demands crowding out my sanity. My life has gotten so busy that I have to look back and wonder how it got this way. Do I really need to do all that I'm doing? I don't think so.
I think I'll go put my feet up and eat some cinnamon lips (chewy candy with no fat and an intriguing shape). You'll just have to go get your own.

Heading for Miss America

by Shirley Bahlmann
I'm hitting the road tomorrow, heading for the Miss America Pageant in Las Vegas, Nevada, because our home town girl, Kayla Barclay, is Miss Utah. I'm actually accompanying my husband, who was asked the question, "Why does the Sports Editor get to cover Miss America for the paper?" to which he replied, "I have the best camera." My sister said I should dress up, so if you tune in Saturday, and the camera pans the audience, look for the sparkly gold dress. Maybe I'll even give you a wave!

Whizzzzzz!

by Shirley Bahlmann
Okay, I knew I was busy before Christmas. I canceled my writing class for the month of December. Then I had a two week vacation from Cub Scouts, cleaning the school, storytelling, elementary school skit rehearsals, and paraprofessionaling. When that month whizzed by, I tried jumping back into my routine, but now it seems the train is moving too fast, messing up my hair, and making me bite my lip in frustration!
HOW DID I DO IT ALL BEFORE?
Today, I got word that my awesome Uncle Ray died. He lived beyond Christmas, which was a small miracle. He had a great sense of humor and made me feel like he was always glad to see me. He helped with questions on how to raise my boys, having raised five of my rowdy, funny boy cousins.
Life's too short. It goes by fast. I want to live it happy like Uncle Ray, not running on a treadmill, trying to catch up, and by the way, what am I trying to catch up to?
Good question. Now I'll go to bed and wait for the answer, but I probably won't let you know what it is until after the funeral this weekend.