Monday, April 25, 2011

Trench Coat and Soccer Sock

I didn't want to go to the store, but I had the debit card. So I was the designated payer. Disguising my disarray under a trench coat and a thick soccer sock tied around my rumpled hair (masquerading as a head band) apparently did not do the trick.
"Mom!" whispered my teenager as we wandered down the store aisle. "You look like a hobo vagrant!"
"Really?" I asked, patting my soccer sock. "Should I have tied the knot under my hair instead of on top?"
He rolled his eyes and moved four steps away from me, pretending he wasn't with me. He even offered to drive home, taking the key and leaving the store to get the car while I was at the checkout counter.
Wasn't that nice of him? And do you think he'll hurry me to the store again before I'm ready?

Monday, April 18, 2011

Sticky Coins

For some reason, my boys like fast food hamburgers. I'll admit there are times when getting them a dollar burger is more convenient than taking them home to fix food. On one occasion when I was talked into a spontaneous drive-through trip, I realized I didn't have my purse. A missing purse can jump-start your heart, especially after you've ordered the food.
What to do, what to do?
Fortunately, there were coins in the console. I had to pry them up because soda had spilled on them during an earlier car trip. We nearly lost our fingernails, but managed to pry up enough to cover the cost. After handing them over, I felt kind of bad to see the cashier struggling to separate the coins as she counted them.
But I got over it. I didn't have to cook, and the boys were happy.
Do you like fast food?

Monday, April 11, 2011

Was it my Forehead Tattoo?

My 11-year-old son opened a package of temporary tattoos and eagerly sifted through the contents. Then he looked up and me and asked, "Should I put one on my forehead?"
"Sure!"
"No, I don't dare."
"I do."
Eyes wide, he asked, "Really, Mom? You'd really let me put a tattoo on your forehead?"
"Yeah," I said, lifting up my bangs. I chose the girl tattoo, knowing he'd never use it. You might think that my bangs would hide the tattoo, but, no, more than one person asked me what had happened to my head.
Then came the phone call..."Hello?" I answered on the second ring.
"Is this mental counseling?" asked a male voice.
"No. What number were you calling?"
He rattled off my home phone number. "I found this listed on the Internet under 'mental counseling'," he explained.
"I'm sorry, it's the wrong number," I said. I hung up and caught sight of myself in a mirror, tattoo and all. Maybe the Internet was trying to tell me something.
Would YOU ever wear a tattoo on your head? (My seventeen year old said that some people get PAID to wear advertising tattoos! There's a career path for you.)

Monday, April 4, 2011

Ragged Hems and Sparkle Butts


How are crooked hems pretty? I don't get it. (I've also been accused of having no fashion sense, so ignore me if you closet is full of sweeping asymmetrical hemlines.) When I see a crooked hem, my fingers itch to get at my scissors, pins, needle and thread to fix it.
And how are sparkle butt pants attractive? (Again, if you have nothing but sparkle butt pants, WHY?") Unless you have the dimensions of a pencil and your butt is your best asset (har-har) why draw attention to it? I've followed behind ladies clad in sparkle butt designs and, yes, it does broaden their base.
What fashions curl your eyelashes? (I'm sure you'll find some in my closet!)

Birthday Hair Bow

On the day I wore "the bow," a man asked me, "What's the occasion?" Since I didn't of what "occasion&quo...