Monday, February 28, 2011

Silver Beauty Nails

I saw the cutest little girl at church the other day, no more than four years old, carrying her bag with long, shiny silver nails glued to her fingertips. As she set her bag down and trained her eyes on her nails, fluttering them slightly to catch reflecting light on their luminous surfaces, I had to smile. She had a great mom. I could tell the girl felt extraordinarily pretty, like a real grown up at nearly three feet tall.
As she fluttered her fingers through church, it brought back memories of my own long nail experiments with scotch tape. (Done when I was a child... and as an adult, too, ha, ha!) Placed just right on the fingernail, folded over double at the end and trimmed with scissors, scotch tape nails are the closest I've ever gotten to have long, luxuriant nails. They have a certain allure, an exotic edge to living the high life of fashion and ultra femininity. I can only stand them for an hour or two, then I have to peel them off so I can actually get something done.
Hm. If I color a strip of scotch tape black and cut fringes along one edge, I wonder if they'd work as false eyelashes...

Monday, February 21, 2011

How to de-stress your life

I recently read an article about how to de-stress your life. It held such pearls of wisdom as singing into a spatula while cooking, dancing around while folding laundry, and sliding across a polished floor. The article even stipulated that you should wear socks while sliding.
How silly. The whole thing was pointless. It was all about every day life. Doesn't everyone know you need to wear socks while sliding across a floor? Either that or shoes so worn out they have no tread to speak of. (Shoes worked for me in a Las Vegas casino two years ago.) And what's with singing into a spatula? My fake microphone of choice is a black plastic spoon. Duh. It looks WAY more like a microphone.
Dancing only while folding laundry is just plain ridiculous. You should dance while folding laundry, doing dishes, trying to open a stubborn jar of peaches, walking the dog, going upstairs (and down), when hearing a store's peppy piped-in music, and while trying to get your kids' attention away from the TV. Any time is good dancing time.
Everything mentioned in the article was such ordinary, every day stuff that they really need look into getting a real creative writer on staff.
But I have to admit that a tortoise wearing socks is a new one. It's positively inspiring! Let's see, I'll need a couple of pairs for the dog, twelve pairs for our three cats, oh, and we can't forget our two bunnies...

Monday, February 14, 2011

The Loves of my Life

(SCREAM!) What a handsome buncha hunks! (Swoon!) And they're all mine! (Well, except for the married ones. I get to share those with my adorable daughters-in-law.)
May I introduce my husband, Bob, and our sons Andy, Jeff, Scott, Zack, Brian, and Michael?
The only way you could ever offend me is if you tried to tell me my sons are ugly. So don't do it. Don't mess with this momma bear. Of course, it would be hard to lie.
Happy Valentine's Day! May you hold love and joy in your heart on this day of affection.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Suess in Two Minutes!

I found this fun YOUTUBE clip of a teenage girl reading Dr. Seuss's FOX IN SOX in two minutes! I offered it to my college English professor as a literary current event, but she said it was more suited to junior high or elementary school than secondary education. SPEAK FOR YOURSELF, PASTE-BOARD HEAD!
I think this is something we should all try. If we talk faster, we can get more done, yes?
Yes.
Since I don't know how to make it show right in the screen, then please CLICK HERE! CLICK HERE!
(You'll be glad you did!)

Fruit in Disguise

Why would you make a strawberry taste like a pineapple? Just get a pineapple.