Friday, January 30, 2009

What do you wear to jail?

By Shirley Bahlmann
Tonight I'll be in jail. Seriously. But it's not my fault! It's all because of my two youngest sons.
We have a new county jail, you see, and someone thought of the bright idea to let community people stay there overnight before it's officially opened for business. Bob thought he might go stay with 9-year-old Michael, but his available next weekend is booked solid, so guess who is the responsible adult? (Well, the adult, anyway. No, not 15-year-old Brian who is going, too, but me. Moi.) When I called to book the room, the dispatcher told me there was an open toilet in the cell. No walls, no door.
Okay. So now what? I'm not willing to do what needs doing out in plain sight, so what to do about it? Wear an adult diaper? No, too drastic. I've got to shield myself... ah, yes! Use my accordion cardboard fabric mat! It folds out to make a screen that reaches clear to... oh. My waist.
Hm. That's okay when I'm sitting down, but what about standing up? What to do, what to do? Aha! Did you know that Queen Victoria used to hold court while sitting on a toilet? She covered the porcelain throne with her voluminous skirts! What's good enough for her is good enough for me. I'm wearing my long black jumper that goes clear to the floor. I've also got on my fuzzy hoodie, and I'm bringing my pink bathrobe to put over my head if necessary.
Yes, I think I'll cope just fine. I've had nothing to drink all afternoon, so maybe I won't even need to use the potty after all! And since this is the only overnight jail stay I ever plan to make, then I'll drink all the water I want from tomorrow on!
I'll just call this whole adventure "research."
Shirley Whirley Jailbird Girly

3 comments:

Cindy Beck said...

Shirley Whirley Jailbird Girly,

WHY, oh WHY didn't you tell me earlier that you would be doing this? I wanted to go spend the night in jail, but not all by myself ... and since my hubby has seen plenty of jail already (not from the inside, from the outside as a cop :), he wouldn't go play cops and robbers with me.

Sadness for me, but I guess you'll be the lucky one who can claim being a jailbird!

Cindy Beck said...

Oh hey ... did Queen V actually have a porecelin throne? Or was it a wooden one? :)

Andy said...

So, I guess they kept you there? How'd it go? Did you "hold it" for the whole time? Did you get any sleep? Did anyone get shivved with a shank (or shanked with a shiv? Was there a riot? Did Brian emerge as a jailbird kingpin? Did a cell phone hidden in a guy's chest set off a huge explosion? Sheesh, enquiring minds want to know.

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