Shirley Bahlmann Biz

Buggy Bracelet Diet

2012-01-23T05:00:00.000-08:00

I'm okay with being a big girl. After all, I've been one all my life. I don't aspire to be model skinny, but what I'm not okay with is being a bigger girl, big enough that my jeans don't fit. I don't want to go out and buy new clothes. So, drawing on my successful experience at 10 years old when I wore an elastic around my hand and snapped it whenever I caught myself biting my nails, I dug around for the most annoying bracelets I own and put them on. The plan is that when I lose an inch from my waist, I'll remove a bracelet. When I lose another inch, I'll remove another bracelet, and so on, until my arms are free and clear, and my jeans are zippable.
Goodness gracious, it's hard to type with all this hardware on my wrists. One bracelet is so annoying that its dangling snowflakes and snowdrops catch in my hair and snag my clothes. So I'm wondering, should I take that one off first? Or should I save it until last for added motivation?

Never Fear, Grammy's Here!

2012-01-16T08:07:00.000-08:00

If you want to sleep on the floor, who do you ask? Ask Grammy!

If you want a gourmet cupcake, who do you ask? Ask Grammy! If you want to wait an hour and a half in a casino to see a mermaid, who do you ask? Ask Grammy!

And if you're driving on Tropicana Boulevard in Las Vegas just after dark and the interior light comes on and the "door open" alarm starts beeping, who will turn the car off at the next red light so the doors can be open and shut tightly? Grammy! Not being able to start the car after was also of Grammy's doing. Eventually realizing that the car wasn't in "park" solved the problem, although the traffic light had turned green by then and the drivers behind were restless. Arriving home from that debacle, my newly-turned-10 grandson said, "I've got to sit down and rest from that adventure." For two days and two nights, Grammy ruled the roost and watched her little chickadees while her son and daughter-in-law were away.

We had another adventure going to "Disney on Ice: Toy Story III" the next evening - walking half a mile with the youngest in a stroller. (Oh yeah, oh yeah. Grammy even went up the event center stairs two at a time while escorting grandchildren to the bathroom. She didn't even feel the burn. Way to go, water aerobics! Way to go bike riding!) Grammy liked the event as much as the kids, laughing especially at the troll dolls. The skaters only used their legs from the knees down and their forearms and hands to gesture because most of their body was stuffed up into the tall troll doll hair. Hilarious. That night Grammy was up four times, for an overflowing toilet, a baby crying, a diarrhea victim who missed, and a prowling teenager trying to figure out who and where everyone was after nearly tripping over someone sleeping on the floor.
Never fear...
What are your best babysitting adventures?

Had any Time Gangsters pop in on you lately?

2012-01-10T06:00:00.000-08:00

I’m crouched here in a New York City alley scribbling notes on Berin Stephens’ “Time Gangsters,” which is a refreshing new approach to time travel. Readers join adventurers 12-year-old Billy (boy) and his 12-year-old cousin Danny (girl… short for Dannielle - because her father wanted a boy.) The two are caught up in a time bridge from modern day Colorado to the speakeasy gangster era of 1927 New York City. If that’s not enough adventure for you, throw in some magical gold coins (or “medallions” as Billy’s best friend, Wheezy, repeatedly reminds everyone as he discovers their Egyptian words to unleash their really useful powers.)
Gangsters, cops, and kids travel through time, fighting for possession of the magical medallions that, as well as time travel, make the bearer jump high, throw fire, control wind and water and heal wounds. I really like how Stephens put the young protagonists in situations that are genuinely frightening where they face the possibility of real bodily harm from heartless gangsters, but also engage in funny banter amongst themselves, such as the "Middle Name Curse." It’s a great mix of suspense and humor.
Uh, oh. Here comes a gangster. Whaddaya mean, “How do I know?” Because he’s wearing a trench coat and a slouch hat and carrying a tommy gun. It’s pointed my way! Ack! He’s under the streetlight… what’s this? It’s Berin “Reeds” Stephens. Of all people, the one who created this adventure in the first place.
Berin: Sh. Keep your voice down.
Shirley: Oh, yeah, these New York streets are dangerous in 1927. Shall we walk? Let’s keep to the sidewalk under the streetlights and avoid the dark. Hey, Reeds, we all want to know how you thought of putting American gangsters and Egyptian gold coins together in a story.
Berin: Well, for lack of a better explanation, I had a dream about gangsters with magic coins. I added the Egyptian stuff later to make it a little more exotic.
Shirley: (Screams) Ahhh! Is that a rat?
Berin: You dirty rat! Rat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat
Shirley: Uh, don’t you think a machine gun is a bit of overkill?
Berin: Nope.
Shirley: Yikes! Headlights up ahead, on a black car, moving slowly!
Berin: Quick, turn the corner! Walk casually. There. We lost them.
Shirley: Good move. You've done this before. Hey, is there some of you as a kid in the main character, Billy? I mean, your names start with the same letter and have the same number of vowels. What gives?
Berin: No relation. And he's nothing like me. He's adventurous, I just drive a car and hide behind a saxophone while playing in clubs. But I did choose his last name of Fairbanks because I was born and raised in Alaska.
Shirley: Have you ever wanted to time travel? Where did you go? (Ahem), I mean, where would you go?
Berin: Let me take this opportunity to make a public service announcement: time travel is dangerous. Don't do it unless you are a certified time travel professional. There are too many consequences from it, like paradoxes created, people who end up not being born, and whole civilizations being wiped out. Not to mention the whole disruption of the space-time continuum that destroys all creation; that's usually considered kind of bad. But if I could travel through time with no consequences? Medieval England, but I'd only want to visit, not live there.
Shirley: I had to laugh when you made 12-year-old Danny taller than her 12-year-old cousin, Billy, because that is how it was when I was 12. Their banter was a funny spot in a frequently tense storyline. Did you have a sister or cousin to banter with while you were growing up?
Berin: No, I was an only child and so was my brother (we were six years apart in age so we didn't have a lot in common). But I do have five kids, who are great source material. And as far as the size difference, I teach music lessons to a lot of junior high aged kids and I visit schools a lot. It just strikes me as funny that junior high girls are often taller than the boys. I just wanted to have some fun with that.
Shirley: Hey, what’s that on the ground up ahead? It’s glinting like…gold.
Berin: I’ll get it.
Shirley: (Walking faster) No, it’s okay, I can get it. You’ve got that heavy gun and everything.
Berin: (Breaking into a run) No, I insist.
Shirley: Finders keepers!
Berin: Losers weepers! Rat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat
Shirley: (Screams) Ahhh! What’s that? You shot ink all over everything.
Berin: Writing is my secret weapon. You go ahead and keep the medallion, I’ve got plenty more in the pages on my laptop.
Shirley: Ladies and gentlemen, would you ever have guessed? A gangster with heart, and a great story. So where are you off to now, Reeds?
Berin: There are still many adventures happening out there: in outer space, in dystopian worlds, and with super heroes. As of right now, I don't have plans for a sequel for Time Gangsters. We'll see how well it does. But if there is a sequel, it just might take place during World War II, but no promises. But I gotta go. The boss asked me to fill up the Duesenberg before I drive him to the horse races.
Shirley: Bye Reeds! There you have it. Find "Time Gangsters" right here, at this link, go ahead, click on it! (I promise no gangsters will pop up out of your computer screen.) Now click! TIME GANGSTERS!
The Big Boss says to show you this exciting poster if I want to keep all my fingers. And I do. CLICK!
Fingers sore yet? Here's the website where it all came down. CLICK
If you're still conscious, try this blogspot. It could be fuuuun! CLICK
And the one who brought it all to light - the Big Boss publisher! CLICK

Do Cows Eat Snow?

2012-01-09T06:00:00.000-08:00

DON'T MISS TOMORROW's SPECIAL EXTRA BLOG (details at end of post) and CLICK HERE to read about the MYSTERY OF MERMAIDS (hey, they live in MELTED snow!) at skyleefair.blogspot.com!
When I first saw the article about cows eating snow, I wanted to shout, "Stop! Don't! Hypothermia!" But it turns out that with four stomachs covered by hide and fur, cows CAN eat snow, and like it! In fact, in a year more snowy than this central Utah's balmy January 50 degrees, cows can get ALL their water needs from snow! But they have to learn how. It's a peer pressure thing.
"Ahem, excuse me, where's the water trough?"
"We don't use a water trough. We eat snow."
(Mooey sort of gasp) "No!"
"Come on, take a mouthful."
"No! It's cold! It's fluffy! It gets up my nose!"
"Come on, just one won't hurt. Look, I'll do it myself." (Bite, crunch, swallow.) "See?"
"Ahhh! Your tongue is blue!"
But, eventually, thirst or curiosity wins the new cow over and she gets addicted to eating snow.
(I wonder if cows eat yellow snow?)
Did you eat snow as a kid, catching snowflakes on your tongue? Or did you peel it off the road?
COME BACK TOMORROW for one of my inimitable book reviews (that means no one can imitate them! I'm the only one who can put you inside the story like I do by browbeating the poor, unsuspecting author!) So come back and read about Berin Stephens' new "Time Gangsters" adventure, you dirty rat!

Crazy - er - Creative Flavor

2012-01-02T06:00:00.000-08:00

I was in the store the other day, innocently passing the candy aisle, when I was stopped dead in my tracks by a picture of a hot red chili pepper on a chocolate bar wrapper. What the hooey? At first I thought it was some kind of joke, like Harry Potter booger flavored jelly beans or something, but then I picked up the chocolate bar and saw printed on the wrapper, "Excellence Chili is an exceptional and entirely new taste experience combining Lindt's finest aromatic dark chocolate with the well balanced spice of premium red chili."
Excuse me, but calling something "premium" does not fix the problem when it has no business being there in the first place. (Did these people imbibe in too much liquid holiday cheer or what? They must have all killed their taste buds. That's the only rational explanation!) Chilis go in salsa, not chocolate.
Yet I suppose it's no weirder than the peanut butter baloney sandwiches my oldest son insisted on eating when he was three years old.
What strange tastes do you have? (Which ones will you admit?)

BUBBLES!

2011-12-26T06:00:00.000-08:00

It's not snowing in the house... it's bubbles! I forgot how fun our bubble machine could be until my 12 year old dug it out of the basement and set it up in the bathroom. After playing in the spout of bubbles for awhile, he left the room and left the machine on. When I went in there a little while later, I burst out laughing at the bubble pile on the floor. It was very slippery, and very easy to clean with a towel from the laundry. (Always clean with dirty laundry... it must be washed anyway, so why dirty anything else?)
New Year's Resolutions are six days away. I'm an optimist at heart, but this past year I've been more uptight than I ever remember being in my life. I don't like it. Happy is better. So here's my resolution - laugh more. Laugh every day. Find fun in ordinary things. Find fun with you!
What is your New Year's Resolution?

Playground for Parents who Hate Kids

2011-12-19T06:07:00.000-08:00

Yesss! Heather Justesen chased the Kindle formatting demons away with her mad skills! Now that the PDF monster is off my back, I'm now pursuing regular old WORD publication on my own, with the kindly offered resources that have dropped neatly in my inbox. THANK YOU! I love you for caring. (I love you anyway, but caring is a bonus!)
Okay, so, Christmas is all about loving and caring and hugging and sharing and taking your kids to the playground in spite of the snow. Right? But any parent who would take their child to this playground would most likely dress their little ones in shorts and t-shirts and pour water on the slide before sending the child down in order to make their bums stick to the metal. I mean, look at that drop at the end of the slide! It's got to be two feet tall or more! If a little person is barreling down and there is no one to catch them at the end, which any parent who lets their child play on this slide would not be, then the child falls their entire body length to the ground.
Some fun.
Maybe they aren't done yet... maybe there's a giant inflatable pillow installation pending... or a hidden camera for a candid camera TV show.
What was the most memorable play experience you had as a child?
And Merry Christmas, one and all... I love Jesus.

E-book NIGHTMARES!

2011-12-12T13:12:00.000-08:00

Sorry, this is a scrumbly week. (Don't look up "scrumbly," it's only in MY dictionary!) I just can't seem to figure out how to publish e-books and it's driving me insane! All that beautiful writing time spent scrolling through web search results and all that wondrous creative brain power spent trying to figure out unfamiliar terminology!
WHO SAID IT WAS EASY? You must have computer parts in your genes!
Well, at least you can look forward to "Playground for parents who hate children" next week. Really.
I have a picture and everything.
What is hard for you to do? Do you keep trying, or shift your energy elsewhere?

Surprising Thanksgiving Eating Contest and Cauliflower Ships

2011-12-05T05:00:00.000-08:00

Are you tired of Thanksgiving stories? Well, this one is weird, so it's worth going back in time a couple of weeks. Most of you know that I have boys. And boys don't generally think much about their weight. So before Thanksgiving dinner, my guys weighed themselves. After dinner, they weight themselves again. The differences ranged from 4.4 pounds gained to .8 pounds lost.
SAY WHAT? LOST?
Yes, lost.
HOW DID HE DO THAT? He ate. I saw him. But this is the son with the killer metabolism, who got so tired of eating continually in high school that he began eating normally and started losing weight.
Hm. He and I ought to split our metabolism and do co-transplants.

On Thanksgiving, even our entertainment was food-themed. When the grandchildren got together to do a play about the Pilgrims coming to America, they found a couple of mattresses stacked in a bedroom. "Hey!" our 7-year-old granddaughter said with wide-eyed excitement. "Those can be the Cauliflower!"
"Um," her nearly 10-year-old brother said, "You mean the Mayflower."

What Color is His Bathroom? By the Way, What's Your Favorite Holiday?

2011-11-28T11:21:00.000-08:00

I walked my son to school last week and happened upon a teacher struggling with two hands full of heavy plastic grocery bags. Knowing how those thin, tough handles love to cut into flesh, I offered to carry some for her so she could unlock her door. We ended up talking the WHOLE FIRST PERIOD of school about holidays, their meanings, and the way people perceive them. (Yep, I can talk to anyone.) I once got involved in a conversation with a stranger in the visitor's center at Flaming Gorge. When I finally got in the car with the impatiently waiting males of my family, my husband glibly asked, "What color was his bathroom?"
"Yellow," I replied.
It was true. We'd meandered into discussing his current remodeling job. (Come on, who couldn't open up to a face like this? Yes, it is mine, and after watching some old episodes of the medical drama "House," I'm grateful I have a face. Any face.)
Anyway, back to the teacher talk, the one who opened my eyes to the wondrous simplicity of Thanksgiving, where the focus is not on gifts nor baskets nor sugary sweets, but on giving thanks for simple abundance and on gathering together in groups to reflect on our blessings and enjoy our kinship and friendship. She pointed out how it appears to be squeezing out of popularity by the BIG COMMERCIAL holidays near it. She helped me realize the appeal of Thanksgiving to the point that it has now become MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY. (Next to Halloween and the ballerina costume my Grandmother made for me when I was about THAT age!)
Im also thankful to have launched my new pen name blog! Do you wanna see? Really? If you follow it, then you get to read TWO blogs from this infathomable mind of mine. (Which goes along with the gratitude-for-my-face sentiment. I'm glad I have any mind at all.) Can you take it? CAN YOU?
Be one of the first to click to visit SkyleeFair.blogspot.com!

Walking

2011-11-21T09:29:00.000-08:00

When I last saw my doctor and proudly reported that I walked my dog 10-15 minutes a day, old Doc Nay raised his eyebrows and said, "If you upped that to 45 minutes a day, you'd get greater benefits."
(What, was he calling me FAT?)
Obedient girl that I am, I experimented with using my walky thing that sits in the living room (I don't know it's official name...see teeny tiny photo below)

or walking on the streets of my town. What I have learned is that if you walk on a walky thing in your living room, it's very easy to step off "just for a minute" to go get something to cool you down... say, a dish of ice cream... and then answer the phone and run to the post office before it closes and deal with a child's emergency and ultimately fall into bed without getting back on the walky thing.
On the other hand, when you walk on the street a certain distance from home, there is no alternative but to walk that same distance back in order to reach the freezer and bowl and spoon, thus getting in the desired walking time.
This means something profound. It could be that you've just got to get yourself far away and then write yourself home.
What do you dedicate yourself to completing? How do you reach your goal?

Bitter Blessings Leaves a Sweet Taste

2011-11-21T04:00:00.000-08:00

(Shirley) Thank you for coming to the cemetery today. Sorry about the rain, but at least we’ve got my big golf umbrella to stand under. I love the sound of rain. One thing I don’t love is reading cliché “conversion stories.” They make me want to gag on my Postum.
“Bitter Blessings” may be classified as a conversion story, but I think it is so much more. For one thing, it’s not sappy. It’s actually more like a delicious mystery, with a compelling twist that I did not see coming. Each character is true to their role, and the protagonist, Megan Randall (did I spell that last name right :o)?) is not a perfectly-picked-on Cinderella.
Thank goodness.
Megan has trials, indeed, with family deaths and trauma handed out to her right and left. She shoulders her load for a long time, but then finally breaks, just as a real human being (like me) might, and has to deal with added regret and sorrow. (Also just like me.)
But hold on! This book is not without its lighter moments. I had to laugh out loud when Megan’s friend, Adam, described some prom dresses he’d seen in a catalogue with a shudder and the words, “There was lace and big bows and poufy skirts.” Having raised six sons, I can just hear the perplexed and dismayed tone in his voice when uttering those words.
Well, well, look who’s coming. If it isn’t Christine Mehring herself. Look out for that headstone, Christine. Here, get under this umbrella with me.
(Christine) Hello, Shirley. I'm so glad you were willing to meet me here today. Most people get a little skeevy when they find out how much I enjoy walking in the cemetery but I think the atmosphere here is just dense with stories, and besides, it's quiet and people tend to leave you alone.
(Shirley) Especially if you're standing in one spot, reading headstones. Hey, I have to wonder, have you ever lost anyone close to you?
(Christine) Only my grandparents, all of whom were dear to me, and very elderly. So far, the rest of my family has been kind enough to stick around.
(Shirley) That is nice of them. Your description was so close to the heart that I’m curious just how this story developed in your wondrous little brain.
(Christine) I just have a slightly overdeveloped imagination. :) Actually, I start stories with what amounts to a couple of snapshots in my head - a beginning scene and an end. Watching my characters get from point A to point Z is what makes everything worthwhile. As the story developed, I realized I wanted to accomplish a couple of things with it. First, I wanted to write LDS YA fiction that would have appealed to me as a teenager. I read a lot as a kid, and I wanted to like LDS fiction, I really did, but I always left it feeling like, well, let's just say that Polly Perfect Protagonist and I didn't have much in common. Second, I wanted to explore how a "typical" LDS family would handle the need to share the gospel in a situation where they couldn't just bear a testimony or offer an invitation to church.
(Shirley) Well, it really worked. From the greenish thumb that sends tendrils through your book, I’m thinking that you probably have a fern at home, or did when you were a child. I loved your description of lying on the floor and looking up through the fern’s branches and feeling transported to another place. Are you quite the gardener?
(Christine) I am an outdoor gardener only. I've actually had my license to own houseplants revoked due to criminal neglect. My mother is the queen of houseplants and the ferns belong to her.
(Shirley) Hey, look, the sun’s coming out. Let me just move this umbrella… oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to dump that water down your neck. It’s almost like going swimming in the waters around French Polynesia, isn’t it? No? How do you know, have you ever been there?
(Christine) I haven't ever been there. My imaginary self is an accomplished sailor who spends at least half of each year blissfully island hopping. Unfortunately, my real self gets seasick in the bathtub. Maybe someday my imaginary self will tie me up, buy a boat, stock the hold with Dramamine and off we'll go. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
(Shirley) How are you at crossing your toes? Oh. Never mind. That makes your eyes cross, too. No matter. It’s so nice to feel the warmth of the sun and the warmth of love that you so skillfully wrote at the end of your novel. I do hope this cemetery doesn’t mean that this is the death of your writing career.
(Christine) I hope not. It certainly isn't the end of writing, or the end of killing characters off. I'm currently working on a murder mystery for the LDS adult market. It deals with a woman who comes back to her small hometown after a long absence just in time for the suspicious death of a person she used to know. I love complicated characters with buckets of motives, secret personal agendas, quirks, conflicts, doubts, and deeply held convictions. Mysteries seem to be my natural home. No matter which genre I choose to work in, there's always going to be a puzzle to solve.
(Shirley) Oh, look, our ride is here. Hm. There’s only one seat left up front. I’ll take it. You go ahead and ride in the back where you can stretch out. Go on, there’s plenty of room, all the coffins have been unloaded. That’s what you get for killing off your protagonist’s families. There you go. Nice and comfy? Good. Let’s go out to eat. What do you say to some good old all American hospital food?
(Christine) Sounds good to me. Can I have your jell-o?

Eating Eyeballs but Not Toes

2011-11-14T07:32:00.000-08:00

My son grabbed a piece of leftover Halloween candy and declared, "I like the eyeballs, but the toes are too thick and chewy, just like real toes." (How does he know? Has he chewed on any toes lately?) I thought it was hilarious that he was choosy about which body parts he ate, so I braved the senses and ate a toe. It was chewy, and thick, and had a hard part where the toenail was supposed to be. But it was sugary, so I chomped away. What's the saying? "More for me."

Who's to say what's good to eat? It all depends on what you grew up with and what your tastes are. It was fun when my son shared some candy his friend brought back from Japan. There were pieces that tasted like cough drops that one son really liked, and ones that were spicy that another boy liked, and the jello candy and the cookie bear candy. They were good, but better if you didn't look at the sweet koala bear faces before chomping down.

It makes me think of koala revenge in the dark, scary night when you hear noises and aren't sure what they are. What could they be? Koalas marching in your nightmares, wanting to eat your eyes and toes! Ahhhh!
What do YOU like to eat?

Adventures in Permissive Parenting

2011-11-07T07:35:00.000-08:00

When my son asked if he could cut his own hair, I said, "Sure!" I mean, more time for me, right? I tend to be a permissive parent, letting my sons eat peanut butter and baloney sandwiches and wash their own laundry, even if it meant they wore wrinkled Sunday shirts. When they got old enough to care, they handled their laundry differently. Experience is usually the best teacher.
When I heard my independent barber son use a water spray bottle in between bouts of the buzzing hair clippers, I called through the door, "Clippers like dry hair better."
"But they aren't working," he answered.
"Maybe we need new ones," I said.
But it was too late. Several minutes later, he said, "I'm bald." Well, some spots were bald, but other spots weren't. So I used my Magic Mom Moves to even out his haircut. Yes, he still has hair. Being blond, it's hard to see.

Once his 18-year-old brother caught his breath from laughing, he told him he looked just like Aang from "The Last Airbender." Then he made a blue arrow like Aang wears on his cartoon head. Michael took the arrow to school with him. Who knows? He may wear it until his hair grows back.
What kind of fashion/design/social faux pas have you experienced?

My Loverly Blog!

2011-11-04T09:21:00.000-07:00

Aw, Marsha Ward is so nice to say my blog is lovely! CLICK RIGHT HERE to see how lovely Marsha's blog is!

SEVEN RANDOM SHIRLEY BAHLMANN FACTS:
1. I come from a family of six super sisters, yet I have six studly sons. (I also have two brawny brothers, bless their boyhood bond, and two darling daughters-in-law. And 7 goodly, goofy grandchildren.)
2. I love Halloween, although I've been accused of wearing costumes even when it's not Halloween.
3. It took me until my mid-30's to get comfortable with my height. (5', 11 1/2")
4. When I was 12 I wanted to be a truck driver so I could travel the country and see cool things! (I tend to wreck trucks, though, so that dream fell by the wayside.)
5. I can say the alphabet backwards. I can say it fast. I can do it in one breath! I can annoy anyone you want me to annoy with this skill!
6. I've liked blue cheese salad dressing ever since my first taste of it when I was a pre-schooler.
7. I forget people's names unless I hang around with them a lot, see them often, or they remind me of one of my family members. Because of this, I often have the delight of re-meeting fabulous and interesting people. (Which may very well be you!) Be patient with me. It's nothing personal.

Here are some other Lovely Blogs for you to visit:
CHICKENS DON'T HAVE ARMPITS (Marion Jensen)
Throwing Up Words (Carol Lynch Williams and Ann Dee Ellis)
Write Up My Alley (Cindy Beck)
Pink Ink (Jewel Punzalan Allen)
Janet's Blog - Fiction for the thinking woman (Janet Kay Jensen)

My Haunted Car

2011-11-01T13:33:00.000-07:00

THANKS to my 12 year old who made sure my car was dressed up for Halloween.

RETURN TO SENDER

2011-10-31T07:47:00.000-07:00

I was surprised to get my package returned in the mail. Did I say package? I meant the LID of the package. Not even the whole lid. Just a sawn-off part of it.
What does the Post Office DO with boxes of books? Practice their shot-put throws? Use them for driving range cones? Open them to read during slow times?
It made me laugh to read stamped on the lid: "RECEIVED WITHOUT CONTENTS." Did they only get the top? Or did they receive a whole empty box? They sent papers to fill out for a search of the lost articles, especially if I included titles and soft or hard covers if they were books, but I don't know how they'd round up two dozen books destined for donation to a neighborhood library effort in Missouri.
I'm just glad this didn't happen to the prize necklace I sent to Tonya Dean, although she did say it looked like the package had been opened and resealed. (But the bow on the gift wrap was intact!)
I must say, I personally love my local Post Office workers. They even came in after hours to retrieve a galley I needed to edit over a weekend. But accidents happen. So if you'd like to help the grass roots Missouri library, please send any books you're finished with to STEVE WESTOVER/re. library, 5124 NW Holly Dr., KIDDER, MO 64649. Encase your box in concrete and ask the nice Post Office people for the media mail discount.
How do you feel about having access to a library? How would it change your life if you didn't have one?

Burnin' up the Road!

2011-10-24T05:43:00.000-07:00

Have you seen this person? Last known whereabouts: weaving around a driver's course in Nephi, Utah, flattening only one cone. Once she heard she passed the road test for her motorcycle license (YES it says "MOTORCYCLE," not "SCOOTER!") she screamed in delight and took off into the sunset, throttle fully open, roaring down the road at the trike's maximum speed of 35 m.p.h. (It's supposed to go 55 m.p.h. plus...)
Hey, if I can get a motorcycle license in my Grandma years, tell me what you've done lately that's "outside the box?" If you haven't done anything that makes you jump up and down for joy... okay, maybe that's just me... but something that makes your heart beat faster, whether it's cooking dutch oven or learning to stand on your head or whatever, make a plan right now to do it. Age is out of the picture! Come on, be brave, dare to post right here and tell us what you'd love to do. We all want to know!

Winna, Winna, Winna!

2011-10-17T20:43:00.000-07:00

Tonya Dean had the luck of the draw! Congratulations, and may the necklace not be haunted and choke you in your sleep. ;oP

Paint it Pretty!

2011-10-17T08:46:00.000-07:00

I had so many great comments on my BLOG HOP prize that I wish I had twenty-four necklaces to give away! The winner was chosen at "random dot org" this morning by my 12-year-old before he hopped off to school, leaving me without the list of candidates or a clear indication of the winner! (What a master of suspense.) The winner will be contacted by midnight tonight (which also gives me plenty of time to find the GREAT hiding place where I safely put the mysterious disappearing prize...it must be haunted, because it's certainly not me!)
For those who don't get the ghostly necklace, you can always do as my son did for my beautiful new granddaughter...paint it on! Just think of it... with a little glitter you could wear a sparkly tiara whenever you wanted. (Or you could paint on "man jewelry," Chas!) With green and white paint you could dot on a necklace and matching earrings, and with glow-in-the-dark paint you could do an entire Safety Sam Halloween costume!
What was your favorite Halloween costume ever? What are you going to dress up as this year?

Hop into this fun jewelry for Halloween!

2011-10-13T04:00:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the October Blog Hop, where you can visit new blogs, enter to win prizes, and have a great time!

At the bottom of this post, you'll see a list of participating blogs. Just click on each link, check out the prize, and follow the easy instructions to enter. You can enter on each blog, so it's possible to win multiple times. It's frighteningly easy.

On this blog, you can win a piece of fun jewelry! This mysterious ghoul green and ghost white shell necklace.

You can change jewelry to fit your mood more easily than changing into a Halloween costume!

To enter, all you need to do is:

1. Become a follower of my blog.

2. Leave a comment on this post and tell me why you'd like to win this prize. If your e-mail address isn't visible through your Blogger profile, please also leave it with the comment so I can notify you if you win. You can enter until midnight MST on Saturday night, October 15th.

That's it! You are now entered. Now please go visit all my friends on the list below. It's almost like trick or treating!
October Blog Hop Participants

1. Tristi Pinkston
2. I Am a Reader, Not a Writer
3. Bonnie Harris
4. Michael D. Young
5. Misty Moncur
6. Debbie Davis
7. Mandi Tucker Slack
8. Mary Ann Dennis
9. Deanna Henderson
10. Laura Bastian
11. Kristy Tate

12. Kristy Wilson
13. Jennifer Debenham
14. Jenny Moore
15. Elizabeth Hughes
16. J. Lloyd Morgan
17. Close Encounters with the Night Kind
18. Billy Boulden
19. Scott Bryan
20. Maria Hoagland
21. Shirley Bahlmann
22. Shelly Brown

23. Marcy Howes
24. Lynnea Mortensen
25. Jaclyn M. Hawkes
26. Diane Stringam Tolley
27. Gail Zuniga
28. Betsy Love
29. iWriteNetwork
30. Canda's InkBlast
31. Stacy Coles

Learn more about October Blog Hop here.
View More October Blog Hop Participants
Get The Code

Drive By Tuning

2011-10-10T07:26:00.000-07:00

I was headed to the Literacy Fair to help my talented sister Loraine paint faces (see face paint blog below) when I noticed the back window on a car lettered with "PIANO TUNER." That is a rare breed in Ephraim, let me tell you, so I flipped a U-ey and screeched to a halt next to the startled man and his equally startled wife. With scarcely a fearful glance at one another to reassure themselves that they could watch each other's backs and safely deal with this crazy lady, they followed me home. (Aw, please, can I KEEP them?) My off-key piano was finally tuned, and we all lived happily ever after. What have you wished you'd done when the opportunity flashed past your eyes (or your car)? Did you do it? Why or why not?

Old...Uh...Well Seasoned Friends!

2011-10-03T09:43:00.000-07:00

This is me and one of my best and oldest...uh...I mean most seasoned friends, Anita Young Wight! Ever since my six foot self moved to Utah from New Jersey in 1970, petite and pretty Anita has looked up to me. I admire her equally, impressed that she won our high school's English Sterling Scholar award. Since we are both exclusive mothers of sons, I had the joy of going to her son's reception in August, which resulted in this amazing uncropped photo of us. (I still expect her to have waist long hair, but otherwise, she looks the same!)
I love reconnecting with former friends and gathering in new ones. The variety of people is a never-ending source of delightful inspiration!
When was the last time you saw an old friend?

Does this look like a furnace to you?

2011-09-26T09:46:00.000-07:00

Wow, look at that traction! In spite of a crunched hood, it's climbing a mighty steep grade! (Yes, someday I will learn how to rotate photos, or else take them with my phone so they're right side up!)
So, back to the question of the moment - does that image to the left look a furnace? Well, it is. Use your imagination - three years ago, we knew we needed a new furnace some time soon. Last January, the point was brought forcefully home when our furnace conked out. Patched together, it limped through the rest of winter, but would not survive another season. (The solemn sound of "Taps" plays in the background.) Sadly, we did not have a furnace fund. We began praying for help to get a furnace to get us through the upcoming winter. Then our son was in a non-life-threatening car wreck, totaling this car and bringing in enough money for a new furnace.
This whole thing reminds me of "The Monkey's Paw" by W.W. Jacobs. What? You didn't read "The Monkey's Paw?" Why not? Oh, all right, you really should read it, but basically it is built around a mummified monkey's paw that grants wishes... at a price. In order to bring about wealth, loved ones die, generating high life insurance payments. It's creepy good. You should read it on a cold winter night. Go ahead. I dare you.
We're glad it was only the car that had to die so we could be warm this winter.
So what about you? What potential disaster has turned into a blessing in your life?

Creative Marketing - and partial photo success!

2011-09-19T07:43:00.000-07:00

I finally figured out how to install my photos myself! (But the PhotoShop make-it-look-good technicalities are still pending...Bob turned the photo of me and my great-nephew right side up, but you'll have to tip your head for the one of my sister. I downloaded it all by myself! Yay-uh!)
So, I was at the County Fair painting faces next to a soldier booth raffling a rifle for money to send to troops. They were doing a fine business. One of the guys in uniform asked if I would give part of my face painting money to the soldiers if they sent business my way. Sure! So every person he talked to was directed toward my booth. Sweet! I gave a dollar out of five for each face painting from the soldier booth. That was creative of him, and it worked for me, too. It made me ponder on ways I could piggyback with other businesses to sell more books. Captivating thinking!
What piggyback marketing ideas have you come across?

Grrr, Grrr, and double Grrr!

2011-09-12T09:01:00.000-07:00

See my self portrait to the left. I want to hibernate because I hate it when I have to change programs and can't figure out how to make the new ones work! I can do everything on the Dell computer that died (which death trapped my website with it), but this Apple staring me in the face and laughing silently at the funny faces of despair I make is unfathomable! I can't access the photos I have to illustrate blogs about a really WEIRD looking furnace, a mah-velous marketing example, and my green face, but I don't know how to get them where they need to go to download on this blog! Argh! Grrr! Burp! (Burp? Oh, excuse me!)
I will corner Bob for ANOTHER instruction on picture manipulation so you can revel in my photo brilliance next week. I WILL LEARN THIS, even if I have to turn this hard-drive-hearted computer to applesauce!
What frustrates you?

What's Your Hawaiian Name?

2011-09-05T06:00:00.000-07:00

In doing research for a new book, I came across this delightful site that translates your name into Hawaiian (unless you already have a Hawaiian name.) Since the closest I've come to Hawaii is my complete collection of Magnum P.I. episodes on DVD, it was fun to spend a few minutes looking up my name, my husband's, sons', family pets... Try it! Click here: MY HAWAIIAN NAME!
Until I get there, I'll just have to dream up tropical island adventures.
Where is a place you dream of going?

The Incredible Power of Persistence

2011-08-29T06:00:00.001-07:00

This is my mother, Ruth, who found to her great surprise last spring that she could no longer walk on her own. When I watched my tall strong son and nephew practically carrying her down the sidewalk for "walking practice," all I could think was, "She's headed for a wheelchair."
You'd think I'd know by now that Mother does not take anything like this lying down.
She forced herself to take baby steps around the house while leaning heavily on her walker. Then she became a regular on the cemetary's smooth roads, laughing off the sextant's challenge to a race. She put in her time, step by step, until two weeks ago she could stand without help. She's graduated to using a cane or two, except on the day she got an adrenaline rush and dashed from the computer to retreive her purse without thinking. When she looked around for her canes to return to her computer, they weren't there. She'd left them behind, walking without any help at all! She is living proof of the value of determination and consistency, whether you want to write a book or race the sextant around the cemetary. Let's all stand as tall as straight as my mother and step out to meet whatever it is that brings joy into your life!

TEEN AUTHOR ADVICE ON WRITING FOR TEENS!

2011-08-22T09:04:00.000-07:00

It's only 3 minutes - well spent - so CLICK HERE to check out Bron Bahlmann's spot-on advice on writing for teens! (And if his last comment doesn't make you smile, then check your pulse, because you're probably dead.)

TAG! You're IT!

2011-08-15T07:27:00.000-07:00

I was only trying to be nice when I moved forward one row at church to whisper to a lady, "I can see the tag on the back of your shirt. Unless that's the new style, it might be on backwards."
"Oh, dear," the white-haired lady said, pulling her sweater from the back of her seat up over her shoulders.
"Don't worry," I assured her. "I put my shirt on inside out yesterday and didn't know it until my sister told me."
"Honestly," the woman said, hunching herself smaller. "I need a keeper."
"No, you don't," I assured her. "I do it all the time. I button my buttons wrong, too."
She was too immersed in her embarrassment to say anything.
I assure you, if you ever see my shirt on inside out, I'd like to know about it. The same goes for food in my teeth, dog poo on my shoe, and any length of toilet paper trailing out the back of my clothes. I mean, if you're my friend, you're not going to let me wander in public like that, are you?
This incident reminds me of the time I went to speak as a professional author. I sat waiting for my turn, smiling and happy to be there, when a lady leaned over and said, "Your dress is unzipped." It was a side zipper, so I quickly slid it upward just before they called my name.
"I'm so excited to be asked to speak," I said into the microphone. "I was equally excited that my dress felt kind of loose, which meant I'd lost a few extra pesky pounds. Then I discovered my dress was unzipped. When I zipped it up, there went all my weight loss. But I'm still happy to be here."
I suppose we could solve the inside out clothes problem by stuffing our closets with that nifty reversible clothing! Then the only thing I'd have to worry about is putting my shirt on upside down!
Would you be embarrassed if someone told you your shirt was inside out or backwards?

Rockin' out on hymns!

2011-08-08T06:00:00.000-07:00

WATCH THESE GUYS SING! CLICK HERE!
I'll admit it, I really like this! WARNING - not everyone will, I'm sure, but it made me smile, and this is my space, so here it is! I see energy, I see joy, I see gladness - all good things in Shirley's book of Living Large and Free. I also see a trip to the store for sore throat lozenges, but even that can be an adventure. "Do you want wild cherry or lemon echinacea to go with that throat, Elder?"
What kind of music brings you joy?

Electric Blue Shirley

2011-08-01T06:00:00.000-07:00

It drew me like a bug to a bug zapper - a swatch of electric blue swishing down the church hallway. I zeroed in on the bright, happy hue of blue and tapped the lucky lady on the shoulder. "I love your dress," I gushed. "It's so bright!"
The woman gave me a brilliant smile. "You know, when I pulled this out of my closet this morning I wasn't sure I dared wear it. Then I thought to myself, 'Shirley would wear it,' so I went ahead and put it on."
Really? She wouldn't have worn it without my silent, absent stamp of approval?
I cannot fathom people calling each other to ask what the other is going to wear to whatever event they're both attending. What difference does it make?
Speaking of clothes, a couple of ladies recently talked about me while I stood beside them. After making vague references to some book they'd both read, one said, "And that's just like Shirley."
"What's like me?" I asked, not following their thread.
The other lady turned to me. "You're authentic to your style."
I blinked in surprise. "I don't even think about style," I admitted. "I just wear what I like."
The woman gave me a patient smile. "That's why you're authentic."
What is YOUR authentic style?

Tristi Pinkston Book Launch!

2011-07-31T06:00:00.000-07:00

Author Tristi Pinkston is excited to announce the release of the third novel in her Secret Sisters Mysteries series.

Titled Hang ‘em High, this novel takes place on a dude ranch in Montana. When Ida Mae’s son invites her to come for a visit, of course she brings Arlette and Tansy along with her. They are expecting to spend the week looking at horses, avoiding the cows, and making amends in Ida Mae’s relationship with her son. What they don’t expect is to be stuck on the ranch in the middle of a blizzard and to be thrust headlong into the middle of a mystery.

***

Help Tristi celebrate her new novel in two ways. First, come participate in the two-week-long blog contest, where you can win a book nearly every single day! All the details are up on Tristi’s blog.

Second, come to the book launch!

You are invited to an

August Authorama!

Saturday, August 13th

Pioneer Book, 858 S. State, Orem

12 – 4 pm

Games, prizes, balloons, face painting,

and Dutch oven cobbler

prepared by world champion cook

Keith Fisher.

Authors Tristi Pinkston, J. Lloyd Morgan, Cindy Hogan,

Nichole Giles, and Heather Justesen

will all be there to sign books.

This is one book launch event

you will not want to miss!

At the Zoo...

2011-07-25T06:11:00.000-07:00

Sometimes writers need to take a fresh perspective, a new approach, an unexpected tack.
When my family went to the zoo, certain animals were more visible through plexiglass windows than over their enclosure railings. Guess what I saw at the rhino pen? Aw, how did you know?
I can't help it that this view really struck my fancy. Some people think it, but I go ahead and say it. I had to take a picture with my phone because the guy holding the fancy-pants camera didn't appreciate my subject matter. But, hey, why fight it if something resonates with the funny bone in my twistedly creative mind? (And, may I add, I'm not the only person on the planet with funny bones in the brain!) You've got to admit that this is a classic composition. I simply couldn't resist!
What is hard for you to resist?

"It's better than your paint shirt"

2011-07-19T07:04:00.000-07:00

I hate shopping. But when my sisters took me with them to find performance outfits for our singing group "My Sisters and Me," I was swept away on the shopping tide and brought home some clothes to try on. (Maybe that's why I hate shopping!) When I asked my youngest his opinion on a certain dress, he frowned and said, "I don't really like it, but it's better for going to grocery store than your paint shirt."
I took the dress back.

Shopping in a Paint Shirt

2011-07-12T05:17:00.000-07:00

I have this great shirt, a former nightshirt that serves as a paint and project cover all. At the end of a recent painting project, my youngest pestered me to go to the store with him. "But I need to change."
"No you don't," he said.
"Really? You wouldn't care if I went to the store in this?" I spread my hands to show off the splattered shirt hanging nearly to my ankles.
"I don't care," he insisted. "Let's go."
So I went. In the first aisle, my son looked at me sideways and said, "You look funny."
"You're the one who didn't want me to change," I said, plucking a bag of raisin bran off the shelf and tossing it in the basket with a flourish. I figured if anybody at the grocery store cared to stare, I'd give them something to talk about.
What have you seen in the unusual clothing department lately?

Happy Fourth of July!

2011-07-04T06:00:00.000-07:00

Please take a moment for this truly inspiring message from my friend Gordon Ryan about a real story of humans treating humans as fellowmen even when it was not a popular practice. Check it out on this day of brotherhood and freedom - A REAL HERO

Scream, Scrame

2011-06-27T07:00:00.000-07:00

My youngest son was telling me about a scary dream he had. At the horrifying climax, he said with wide eyes, "I scrame as loud as I could!"
Now that makes sense in an English-exception rules way..."come-came, scream-scrame."
This made me wonder all over again about the English Language. How can we ever even communicate? I found a fun answer it Steven Fry's presentation. Check it out! Kinectic Typography

Is There Any Other Kind?

2011-06-20T07:00:00.000-07:00

I saw a sign that read, "It all starts with farm grown potatoes." I couldn't believe my eyes, so I read the sign again. Really? Is there any other kind, say, apartment grown potatoes?
I don't think so.
Apparently none of those potatoes ended up at certain select restaurants, because I overheard some ladies talking about going out to eat. One woman said, "They have a Sizzler and a Golden Corral," to which the other woman replied, "They don't have food."
Hm. What is on their menus, then? Food shaped furniture for apartments, perhaps?
Then again, the food-less woman may have been related to the lady at my catered dinner table. When served her plate of food, the woman scowled and said, "I only eat cereal, yogurt, and peanut butter," and pushed her plate away. She looked normal. I think she would have been happier after eating her potato, but I'll never know.
I think I'll write a character with potato issues. Maybe that character could even be from Idaho and afraid to step outside his door for fear of potatoes. (Dun-dun-dun!)
What food oddities do you have?

Bowling Alley Funnies

2011-06-13T07:00:00.000-07:00

More than just for rolling the odd strike, who knew a bowling alley could be so much fun? First of all, our local establishment lost its distinctive and far superior name, "The Cow Palace Lanes" when it changed ownership. "Sno-cap Lanes?" Come on, where's the imagination there? And it isn't even spelled right!
While there, I browsed the list of bowling teams hand-written on a sheet of paper tacked to the wall. I was delighted to find, "Dolls with Balls." Now there are some gals who know how to laugh.
Half-time entertainment for our bowling game came in the form of a 2-year-old boy who ran down the bowling lane as fast as his 12-inch legs would take him. His father, a quick thinker, took off after his son, his feet pounding in the gutters so as not to mar the bowling lane finish. He managed to catch the little lad more than halfway down the lane. Good thing, too, as the boy wasn't much taller than a bowling pin.
Last of all was the man who stopped in front of the mens' restroom door. Yes, there was a mens' room sign posted. Yet the guy walked over to the ladies' restroom door to read the sign, "Ladies" before moving back to the mens room and pushing his way inside.
Could he not decide?
Or wasn't he sure?

As Nice As Pie... er... Cobbler

2011-06-06T07:00:00.000-07:00

At a church dinner, random flavors of fruit cobbler were set down at our places. Bob's was glistening red cherry cobbler, mine was pale apple. When I tasted each, the cherry tasted much better, a burst of flavor in a thick, not-too-sweet crust. "Hey," I whispered to Bob, "since I like yours better, can we trade?"
"Uh-uh."
"Well, then, if we both like yours better, how about if we split half and half?"
"No way."
I sat looking at my anemic apple cobbler. Since it gave me nothing to look forward to, I ate it first, feeling mighty unlucky with every soggy bite.
The char-broiled chicken was good, though. Just as I finished it off, Bob's dessert plate came scooting my way. I blinked at the single gleeful bite of cherry cobbler winking up at me. My heart warmed, my tongue tingled, and I enjoyed the last bite of sweet cherry cobbler while falling in love with Bob all over again.
When was the last time your heart was tickled by a small act of kindness?

The Power of the Crone

2011-05-30T07:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you feel pretty, sometimes you feel old, sometimes you feel pretty old - especially when falling from a full speed run down the road, skidding across the blacktop, scraping shoulder, hip, and knee. It's rib-cracking good fun, I tell ya (from 2-day-ago experience!) I just thank my lucky stars for a really WIDE elastic wrap around my rib cage.
According to experts, I'm passing out of my crone year tomorrow. (Now I can say I've been there, done that.) What comes after "crone," I'd like to know? "Ultra-crone?" (If ultra-crones look like this one, where do I sign up?)
Actually, I read a paper in one of my college classes that said crones are wise. Crones are strong. Crones should be revered.
So bring me chocolate and a pillow to put my feet up on, and I'll tell everyone what to do!
What do you think of crones?

By popular request...Dandelion Crowns!

2011-05-23T17:08:00.000-07:00

You asked for it, you got it! Just for you, here's a pix of my little sis and me modeling our new dandelion crowns.
What things do you still like to do from your high school days?

Picking Noses

2011-05-23T07:00:00.000-07:00

So I was writing along, shooting for my daily word count in a dramatic scene where a woman had a terrible accident. A doctor approaches her, and in that heartfelt moment of horror and compassion, he thought he could pick out her nose.
Argh!
It's not what I meant, not really! The good doctor could identify the structure of her nose from the surrounding mass of mangled flesh. But how wordy is that?
Ah, how can writing be so alluring and yet so tortuous? How can I love it so?
Why do you love the things you love?

Heartening SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT!

2011-05-16T10:11:00.000-07:00

I received a message from talented new author CHERI CHESLEY that really can't be ignored if you have a heart beating in your chest. If her words doen't move you, then you'd better whip out your stethoscope and check to see if you're still alive.
In part, Cheri's message reads "I hate feeling helpless...So I decided I’m going to help. And here is your opportunity to join in the fun."
This can be a great chance for you. I can vouch for the fresh, exciting approach that Cheri takes to literature. We can't keep her book in our library doors. It keeps getting checked out.
Now it's your turn to check out the following link and read the message from Cheri. (I think she's my new hero.) MORMON MOMMY WRITERS

Can You Beet That?

2011-05-16T07:00:00.000-07:00

I admit, it was an impulse buy. I was actually at the store for marinara sauce to get my youngest son to eat my homemade cheese sticks. (They're cheaper than the take-out Italian food he begs me for, but he thinks they're not as good. Hah!) That's when I saw bright beets beaming at me from the label on a can. I reached up and grabbed some.
The teenage checker at the till rolled a beet can over the scanner, paused, glanced at the label and asked, "What do you do with beets?"
Was this a trick question? Cautiously I answered, "Eat them."
The girl's eyes widened in surprise. "Really?"
What planet was this girl from? "You've never had a beet?" I asked, waiting to see if she darted out a forked tongue.
"No," she answered. Then her face grew thoughtful. "I think my mom tried to make me eat one once, but I wouldn't because I thought it would stain my teeth red."
Well, alrighty then. All the more for me.
Is there a food that you get sudden cravings for?

Dandelion Wars

2011-05-09T07:48:00.000-07:00

For exercise, I dig dandelions. This is a reversal from my teenage years when I delighted in weaving the bright yellow blossoms into crowns to wear to school. (Yes, I did.) But experience changes Points of View. I would rather have grass in my yard that screaming yellow flowers that all too soon grow gray and war-like, shooting out their missiles of grass-killing destruction.
So I go out every day and dig up the fiends disguised behind cheery yellow faces. It sometimes seems never-ending, but it's like writing a book. If I keep at it, word after word, dandelion after dandelion, eventually it will get done.
Until the neighbors' evil dandelion seeds attack from over the fence...just like the next book that's screaming to be written.
What kind of work do you feel will never be done?

Lost A Limb

2011-05-02T07:00:00.000-07:00

Since I would be gone two days at a book selling convention, I thought, "Why not work on writing while I sit at the table?" So I slid several folders of working book ideas, PLUS my big fat folder of random collected story ideas in a canvas bag and left home with high hopes.
I returned without the bag.
I searched everywhere.
I called everywhere.
No bag.
It took me years to write and file those story ideas. I felt like I'd lost a limb. Yeah, it hurt that bad.
But then... oh joy! It struck me that Father in Heaven loves me more than I love my own boys... that is SCARY MUCH! So much, it could smother a person. With that much love, Father in Heaven would never hurt me, only help. So what if all those story ideas were, dare I say, junk? He obviously has better ideas to shower down on my brain?
Ah.
That's better.
I'm open for new ideas, and they're a comin'. I've actually started two new folders to hold them all.
How have you dealt with a numbing blow to your life?

Trench Coat and Soccer Sock

2011-04-25T07:01:00.000-07:00

I didn't want to go to the store, but I had the debit card. So I was the designated payer. Disguising my disarray under a trench coat and a thick soccer sock tied around my rumpled hair (masquerading as a head band) apparently did not do the trick.
"Mom!" whispered my teenager as we wandered down the store aisle. "You look like a hobo vagrant!"
"Really?" I asked, patting my soccer sock. "Should I have tied the knot under my hair instead of on top?"
He rolled his eyes and moved four steps away from me, pretending he wasn't with me. He even offered to drive home, taking the key and leaving the store to get the car while I was at the checkout counter.
Wasn't that nice of him? And do you think he'll hurry me to the store again before I'm ready?

Sticky Coins

2011-04-18T07:42:00.000-07:00

For some reason, my boys like fast food hamburgers. I'll admit there are times when getting them a dollar burger is more convenient than taking them home to fix food. On one occasion when I was talked into a spontaneous drive-through trip, I realized I didn't have my purse. A missing purse can jump-start your heart, especially after you've ordered the food.
What to do, what to do?
Fortunately, there were coins in the console. I had to pry them up because soda had spilled on them during an earlier car trip. We nearly lost our fingernails, but managed to pry up enough to cover the cost. After handing them over, I felt kind of bad to see the cashier struggling to separate the coins as she counted them.
But I got over it. I didn't have to cook, and the boys were happy.
Do you like fast food?

Was it my Forehead Tattoo?

2011-04-11T07:25:00.000-07:00

My 11-year-old son opened a package of temporary tattoos and eagerly sifted through the contents. Then he looked up and me and asked, "Should I put one on my forehead?"
"Sure!"
"No, I don't dare."
"I do."
Eyes wide, he asked, "Really, Mom? You'd really let me put a tattoo on your forehead?"
"Yeah," I said, lifting up my bangs. I chose the girl tattoo, knowing he'd never use it. You might think that my bangs would hide the tattoo, but, no, more than one person asked me what had happened to my head.
Then came the phone call..."Hello?" I answered on the second ring.
"Is this mental counseling?" asked a male voice.
"No. What number were you calling?"
He rattled off my home phone number. "I found this listed on the Internet under 'mental counseling'," he explained.
"I'm sorry, it's the wrong number," I said. I hung up and caught sight of myself in a mirror, tattoo and all. Maybe the Internet was trying to tell me something.
Would YOU ever wear a tattoo on your head? (My seventeen year old said that some people get PAID to wear advertising tattoos! There's a career path for you.)

Ragged Hems and Sparkle Butts

2011-04-04T07:37:00.000-07:00

How are crooked hems pretty? I don't get it. (I've also been accused of having no fashion sense, so ignore me if you closet is full of sweeping asymmetrical hemlines.) When I see a crooked hem, my fingers itch to get at my scissors, pins, needle and thread to fix it.
And how are sparkle butt pants attractive? (Again, if you have nothing but sparkle butt pants, WHY?") Unless you have the dimensions of a pencil and your butt is your best asset (har-har) why draw attention to it? I've followed behind ladies clad in sparkle butt designs and, yes, it does broaden their base.
What fashions curl your eyelashes? (I'm sure you'll find some in my closet!)

One Shoe Prayer

2011-03-28T07:44:00.000-07:00

I was happy to say the prayer at church. What I wasn't happy about is that one of my shoes fell off when I stood up to pray. What the...? My first impulse was to turn back and bend over to get it. The very next flash of thought was how awkward that would be. The third flash (happened faster than the blink of an eye) was the question, "How reverent is it to pray with one shoe off and one shoe on? Diddle Diddle Dumpling, my son John." The people in back couldn't see my bare foot. The people in front were supposed to have their eyes closed.
So I folded my arms, bowed my head, and prayed. On some words, my voice strained against a giggle rising in my throat, but I hoped listeners would mistake the change in tone for heartfelt emotion.
Amen
What awkward situation have you found yourself in?

Rhinestone Squash

2011-03-21T07:28:00.000-07:00

Have you ever heard of that special cake that has real gold leaf on it? You're supposed to eat it, gold and all. (I saw it on an episode of MONK, so it must be true.)
Have you ever heard of rhinestone squash? Trust me, it's not as good. I invented the recipe. I don't even know how it happened. One minute I was gluing rhinestones on my sweatshirt, and an hour later I was sitting in class eating from a container of cooked squash, picking rhinestones out of my teeth. How did they get from my sweatshirt to my squash? That is the mystery. No rhinestones were missing from my shirt, but there were 8 rhinestones mixed in my squash.
All I can say is, weird.
What weird thing has happened to you?

Can't sleep? Eat ice cream!

2011-03-14T07:50:00.000-07:00

Ice cream and chocolate help you sleep! How delightful! Who knew? It must be true, since my very-educated niece serves her pre-school daughter vanilla ice cream and chocolate at night to help the cutie little girl sleep. It has something to do with the relaxing properties of calcium and magnesium. Even better, it works HOT, too, because when my MOM heard about it, she got up one restless night and fixed a cup of hot chocolate with added creamer. (She said if she'd had squirty whipped cream, she would have used that, but she made do.) As soon as she stumbled back to her bedroom, she didn't remember going to bed, but woke up rested in the morning, chocolate mustache and all.
If it works for young girls and old girls, then it ought to work for middle girls like me. I'm going to try it!
What do you do to help you sleep?

Tristi Pinkston shout-out!

2011-03-07T08:37:00.000-08:00

This blog is for my friend, Tristi Pinkston. For one thing, she's kind. She made time to help me set up this blog. I even trusted her with my password, but so far she hasn't slid in any of her witty, wonderful writing for me. BUT SHE DID feature me on her blog, and I get the AIRHEAD AWARD for not putting her on mine during the same week! Tristi is a versatile writer, with actual factual historical books and FUN-FUN-FUN mysteries! She is classy and professional, with an editing service AND panelist positions at BYU's most recent LTUE (The Life, the Universe, and Everything) conference with hundreds of attendees. Her sense of humor is divine. I still laugh when I think about her cake song presented with real pathos during one of our Storymaker Conferences! You will be so happy if you visit her website right HERE: Tristi Pinkston. You will see her "Ooh-la-la" photograph and could follow her blog to give you a spot of happiness! I think everyone should have a Tristi in their lives. I'm sure glad I do.
Who is one of your "Tristi's?"

Silver Beauty Nails

2011-02-28T07:00:00.000-08:00

I saw the cutest little girl at church the other day, no more than four years old, carrying her bag with long, shiny silver nails glued to her fingertips. As she set her bag down and trained her eyes on her nails, fluttering them slightly to catch reflecting light on their luminous surfaces, I had to smile. She had a great mom. I could tell the girl felt extraordinarily pretty, like a real grown up at nearly three feet tall.
As she fluttered her fingers through church, it brought back memories of my own long nail experiments with scotch tape. (Done when I was a child... and as an adult, too, ha, ha!) Placed just right on the fingernail, folded over double at the end and trimmed with scissors, scotch tape nails are the closest I've ever gotten to have long, luxuriant nails. They have a certain allure, an exotic edge to living the high life of fashion and ultra femininity. I can only stand them for an hour or two, then I have to peel them off so I can actually get something done.
Hm. If I color a strip of scotch tape black and cut fringes along one edge, I wonder if they'd work as false eyelashes...

How to de-stress your life

2011-02-21T07:00:00.000-08:00

I recently read an article about how to de-stress your life. It held such pearls of wisdom as singing into a spatula while cooking, dancing around while folding laundry, and sliding across a polished floor. The article even stipulated that you should wear socks while sliding.
How silly. The whole thing was pointless. It was all about every day life. Doesn't everyone know you need to wear socks while sliding across a floor? Either that or shoes so worn out they have no tread to speak of. (Shoes worked for me in a Las Vegas casino two years ago.) And what's with singing into a spatula? My fake microphone of choice is a black plastic spoon. Duh. It looks WAY more like a microphone.
Dancing only while folding laundry is just plain ridiculous. You should dance while folding laundry, doing dishes, trying to open a stubborn jar of peaches, walking the dog, going upstairs (and down), when hearing a store's peppy piped-in music, and while trying to get your kids' attention away from the TV. Any time is good dancing time.
Everything mentioned in the article was such ordinary, every day stuff that they really need look into getting a real creative writer on staff.
But I have to admit that a tortoise wearing socks is a new one. It's positively inspiring! Let's see, I'll need a couple of pairs for the dog, twelve pairs for our three cats, oh, and we can't forget our two bunnies...

The Loves of my Life

2011-02-14T07:00:00.000-08:00

(SCREAM!) What a handsome buncha hunks! (Swoon!) And they're all mine! (Well, except for the married ones. I get to share those with my adorable daughters-in-law.)
May I introduce my husband, Bob, and our sons Andy, Jeff, Scott, Zack, Brian, and Michael?
The only way you could ever offend me is if you tried to tell me my sons are ugly. So don't do it. Don't mess with this momma bear. Of course, it would be hard to lie.
Happy Valentine's Day! May you hold love and joy in your heart on this day of affection.

Suess in Two Minutes!

2011-02-07T07:00:00.000-08:00

I found this fun YOUTUBE clip of a teenage girl reading Dr. Seuss's FOX IN SOX in two minutes! I offered it to my college English professor as a literary current event, but she said it was more suited to junior high or elementary school than secondary education. SPEAK FOR YOURSELF, PASTE-BOARD HEAD!
I think this is something we should all try. If we talk faster, we can get more done, yes?
Yes.
Since I don't know how to make it show right in the screen, then please CLICK HERE! CLICK HERE!
(You'll be glad you did!)

Skunk Butt Hair

2011-01-31T07:00:00.000-08:00

"Why do women do that?" Bob said.
"Do what?"
"Wear their hair like that." He pointed to a lady's hair. I didn't take a picture of her, and could only find these two pictures as closely resembling the style. You have to imagine them mixed together in order to get the right idea. (Of course, no one you know would mix these two styles together!)
"Like what?"
"Like a skunk butt," Bob said in all earnestness. I burst out laughing. "No, really," he insisted. "They make their hair look like a skunk ready to spray or a porcupine with its quills sticking out. It's ugly."
Note to self - avoid skunk butt hair.

Bahlmanns in Rows

2011-01-24T12:05:00.000-08:00

Whenever I spend time with my grandsons (all currently single digit aged), I feel transported back in time because it seems such a short while ago that my own boys were that age.
One of my sons commented to me over Christmas, "Mom, thanks for never making any of us feel like you wanted us to be any different. You never seemed to wish that any of us was a girl. You were just happy to have us like we were."
I wanted to cry with joy to hear that my boys know I love them with no ribbony strings or hidden hair bows attached. What makes it even better is knowing they love me too, in all my weirdness. The best thing is to love one another just as we are.
I can't imagine being anything but a kid inside, no matter how my face may look to you. I'm still just a kid, loving all my kids, and the kid inside of you!

Curly Shirley

2011-01-17T12:05:00.000-08:00

Sons and cameras can be a dangerous mix. They could be hiding around any corner, behind any door, with their weapon of choice at the ready. They don't care if a person is presentable, pulling pins out of their hair or taking bites of tapioca pudding with it falling off the spoon and sliding down the chin. But then, they don't care if a mother and son are sitting side by side on the couch, either.
Taking chances can create wonderful memories.

Boys and Toys

2011-01-10T12:05:00.000-08:00

My sons got some two-piece magnetic push pins for Christmas presents. Did they push them in a cork board?
No.
Did they put the magnet part on their refrigerator?
No.
They put the magnets behind their ears and lips and in their noses to make facial piercings!
Yes, I laughed myself silly. They're my boys, all right.

Seuss in Two Minutes!

2011-01-07T06:59:00.000-08:00

I found this YouTube clip about a teenage girl who read FOX IN SOX in two minutes! We should all try it! (Since I don't know how to download a YouTube right on the page), please CLICK ME! CLICK ME!

Roses in December

2011-01-03T18:24:00.000-08:00

I met my newest grandchild this past weekend. Mallory lives in Las Vegas with my oldest son, her mom, and her sister and two brothers. While I was there on December 31, my son cut me a couple of roses blooming in his front yard.
Imagine, roses in December! It was breathtakingly magical, like Beauty and the Beast! We even have the beauty. (See photo for proof.)
I am a happy Grammy.

Santa in my Rearview Mirror

2010-12-23T08:48:00.000-08:00

It was a sad day for my little story time kids. The Santa from last year who gave them candy canes after sitting on his knee with excited whispers of what they wanted for Christmas was clean shaven and retired. The other Santa I called had arthritis and couldn't lift even the smallest child onto his lap.
With no other Santas in the wings, I figured we'd just have to go Santa-less this year. I trudged from the library, got in my car, started the engine, checked my mirrors, AND THERE WAS SANTA WALKING ACROSS THE STREET, REFLECTED IN MY REAR VIEW MIRROR! It was a miracle, it had to be the real Santa, even though no reindeer were in sight, tiny or not. I swept out of my parking space, whipped around at the intersection, and charged down Main Street, pulling to a screeching halt next to an astonished Santa. Before he could start running, I jumped out of my car and pled my case. "Would you be Santa for my Story Time kids at the library?"
Santa was more than happy to do so, as long as it didn't interfere with finals at Snow College. (Who knew? Santa never stops learning!)
So thanks to the miracle of rear view mirrors, the Story Time kids saw Santa this year, and Santa got some coupons for free ice cream cones. You know, in case he runs out of snow at the North Pole.
Ho, ho, ho!

BY REQUEST - Here is a photo of my gypsy skirt

2010-12-23T08:38:00.000-08:00

My Halloween Church skirt!

2010-12-07T16:53:00.000-08:00

I've spent the last three months looking for my "add a picture" link for my blog! No... not really... I've been taking an educational vacation!
When I went to church with my coin-spangled skirt, one young lady took a look at me and began laughing. "That is exactly like the skirt I wore for Halloween!" she hooted.
Yeah, your Halloween costume is my church clothing.
Figures!

Lagoon

2010-08-29T19:39:00.000-07:00

I was able to take Michael to Lagoon (amusement ride part in Utah) TWICE this summer! The first time, Bron was with us and got bored and wanted to leave at 3:00 p.m. (What the HEY?!) Michael still hadn't gotten into Lagoona Beach, so we stayed a few more hours. We finally left between 6-7:00 p.m. with the compromise that I would take Michael back on a cheaper "Bounce Back" pass.
The second time, I got lost on the freeway exit and Michael was laughing and calling it an adventure while I was stressing over it because we were getting FURTHER AWAY from Lagoon with no exit in sight! Argh!
But Michael's good nature was contagious, and I finally saw and exit, relaxed, and laughed along with Michael. I followed him around and told him he could go on anything he wanted. We went on a lot of Dracula's Caslte and Haunted House rides. He also rode the "Wicked" ride (alone... I get dizzy on twisty rides) and we rode bumper cars. The highlight may have been the gasoline car we paid extra for Michael to drive, with me as passenger! (He liked to swerve and brake hard.)
All in all, it was a good experience, and best of all, I think I talked him out of a Disneyland trip in favor of a possible future train ride from Salt Lake to Denver.
Choo, choo!

Bron Wrote this REAL MAN poem!

2010-08-22T19:37:00.000-07:00

I really like this poem my 16-year-old son, Bron Bahlmann, wrote, so I'm sharing it with you:

Oh deary me,
How it makes me laugh to see,
The obsession girls all have with Jacob Black,
Tough luck, bad news, he can't love you back.
I'm an author I write books,
So put away your dirty looks,
I know about this stuff,
And I know the news is rough,
But Jacob is a work of fiction,
About that there can be no contradiction,
When you say you love him again and again,
Your claiming your love for Stephanies brain,
Thats really all he is a thought somewere in her head,
You'd be better of loving someone who's dead,
They were real, made of flesh and bone,
But those are things Jacob has never known,
By all means think i'm jelouse and just not as good,
But i'm sorry to say this, jacob doesnt have the priesthood.
He cant bless the sacrament, and cant baptize the dead,
After all, he's a thought in Stephanies head,
I dont look like him and im not a "sexy beast"
I am a human though, and have a brain at least,
I dont have a crooked smile or cool tattoo,
But at least I can look in your eyes and say I love you,
So Edward has eternal life,
So will you if you become my wife,
A temple marriage is something I can share,
Even if im not real strong with lucious locks of hair,
I'm sorry if you want half dead kids, or ones with lots of hair,
All I can offer my future children is scriptures and daily prayer,
So if thats not good enough for you then by all means love Jacob Black,
But sorry to say, he can never love you back.

Washing Dishes Under the Palm Trees

2010-08-15T19:30:00.000-07:00

Hey, I got the cool scenery calendars left over from my brother's office, laminated those babies and carefully cut out the palm tree/beach pictures. It helped my project that the calendar cover sported the same palm trees I fell in love with. After cutting them out, I stapled those babies to the wall over my kitchen sink. Ahhhh, the indescribable pleasure of doing dishes is now mine. I mean, my hands in warm water, the swaying palms in front of the brilliant orange sunset... it's what I've always dreamed of!
You can come over and beg for a turn, but I don't know if I can give up the dream vacation I get to go on three times a day!

Don't you have anything BLACK?

2010-08-05T19:30:00.000-07:00

I was asked to sing at a funeral. During our two practices, I was accused of looking like a Froot Loop and fruit salad. (This is because of my colorful clothes, in case you were wondering.) The ladies were discussing wearing black or gray to sing the actual song because it's a funeral.
Okay, herein lies an inherent thought process difference. I don't care if I wear bright colors to a funeral. I don't think it's disrespectful in the least. I mean, has the person who died gone on to a better place or not? If so, then let's send them off with color, why don't we?
Anyway, back to the singing ladies' discussion, as they were talking I had my eyes fixed firmly to the ceiling, contemplating the clothes in my closet. I was interrupted by one of the ladies asking, "Shirley, do you even HAVE anything black?"
Startled, I met her eyes. "Well, the last time I went to DI, Michael talked me into buying a black velvet jumper because it felt soft, but it has rhinestone sparkles on the straps and I can only wear it on Fast Sunday because it's a little tight across the tummy."
She rolled her eyes, "Oh, Shirley!"
Hey, I'm volunteering to sing from the kindness of my heart, and I can sing the same in fruit salad or black velvet!

The best days, the worst days

2010-07-14T18:36:00.000-07:00

One of the pages in the kindergarten memory book was titled, "The Best Day of my Life." I looked down at the blonde, blue-eyed girl and asked, "What was the best day of your life?"
She brightened. "It was the day I got a boyfriend!"
Unsure that I understood, I asked, "A boyfriend?"
"Uh-huh," she nodded vigorously. "I dream about him every night. I have nightmares." She clasped her hands, smiling all the while.
My next task was to helped a small girl to read her book. She sagged in her chair and complained, "I can't read today. My teeth are tired."
It's true! Sometimes any excuse sounds good enough! Sometimes the most unexpected windfalls make the worst days into best days! Let's give in to some of those silly excuses and have our own way sometimes. Other times, let's bop those excuses on the head with a book and get busy, laughing all the way.

Kids say the darnedest things

2010-07-04T18:32:00.000-07:00

Kids are so funny!
I overheard one little guy say, "I've got a camel head in my backyard!"
A kindergarten girl said, "Sorry doesn't help when you bit my neck!"
Another little girl walked up to me with a dreamy look on her face and said, "I just got unpoisoned... where am I?"
I had to pull out my notepad... what a great story starter! You never know when they'll pop up!

Out of the mouths... and other ends... of Babes

2010-06-27T18:23:00.000-07:00

I was reading a book while babysitting my four-year-old grandson Connor. When the book was done, he said, "That story was ridiclious! Sometimes my daddy reads a book with just his mouth. Can you read a book just with your mouth?"
I wanted to say, "Where do you think your daddy got it?" but figured he wouldn't understand. So I told read him a book with just my mouth.
He topped it a short time later, though, when we were playing super heros. Connor popped up from where he hid behind his family's coffee table and pointed to his nearly 2-year-old brother. "Landon is a super dog named Jacob, and he shoots fireballs out of his butt."
I could tell he'd been in on some memorable diaper changes. I will be better off if I view all tasks, no matter how unpleasant, with a more Connor-ish point of view!

TB or not TB?

2010-06-20T18:23:00.000-07:00

I was required to have a TB test, which isn't exactly as fun as going to Lagoon, but really no big deal, right? So I got the shot under the skin and returned 48 hours later for my reading. The injection site wasn't blistered, but it looked a little bit rosy. The nurse lady picked up my arm, scrutinized the tiny reddish spot, then scraped it with the edge of a Post-It note. She rubbed it with her thumb about 12 times, then squeezed it, then scraped it, then rubbed it. She took out a clear plastic strip printed with graduated sizes of circles and held it over the now-much-redder spot.
"Um, is everything okay?" I asked.
"Have you been out of the country in the past month?" the nurse replied.
"No."
She tapped the clear strip against her palm. "Well, even if you had, the mark on your arm would have to be four times as big to be a positive result."
SAY WHAT? All the scraping and pinching when it wasn't even close to the right size for TB?
"I have sensitive skin," I offered. "I bruise and sunburn easily."
The nurse smiled for the first time. "That must be it!" she said, and cheerfully signed my paper signifying I was clean-as-a-whistle. I grabbed the form and dashed out the door before she could decide to inject my other arm "just to make sure."

It's all in how you look at it

2010-06-11T22:30:00.000-07:00

I really get annoyed when people call wet weather "bad." When was the last time they were really thirsty? Where do they think the water in the glass came from? No, not the tooth fairy.
We had practice for the Mormon Miracle Pageant tonight, and it was raining. There's a very cool invention called a raincoat that pretty much solves the getting wet and cold thing. And since I forgot to wear a hat, my hair got rained on, and by the time I got home, it was the perfect dampness to set in rollers so it will be curly tomorrow. Such a nice surprise from straight hair.
It's all in how you look at it!

Hot Babes in Kindergarten

2010-06-03T07:20:00.000-07:00

What are kids coming to these? When I substituted in kindergarten, I asked a little girl what her best day ever was. She grinned her baby-toothed grin and said, "The day I got a boyfriend!"
SAY WHAT?! She should be in love with cookies and milk!
A young man in the same class looked through a book of world cultures. He stopped dead at a page of Mexican senoritas drawn in dancing poses wearing long skirts and peasant blouses, their black hair swirling around their heads. "Hot Babes!" he lisped, then began kissing the paper on top of their printed faces.
AGGHH! Slow down, you guys! You're only five years old! Act your age! It's fun to be a kid. I should know, since I still am one. ;o)

Horse Laugh

2010-05-29T07:20:00.000-07:00

Like a good daughter, I planned a visit to Mom for Mother's Day. I even called ahead, and she said she'd be there at 6:00. I happened to get there at 5:45, to find the house deserted. What the hey? Where could she be? It was Sunday, so there weren't a lot of options.
After a few minutes, I left her gift on her chair with a note and went out to my car when ZOOM! She pulled up to the house in her racing silver bullet van. Stepping out of the car and leaning on her cane, she said, "Sorry I wasn't here before. I was out feeding horses."
As my nephew said, "What kind of guy asks an 80 year old woman to feed his horses?!" (She's actually 85 this year.)
The answer is, she volunteered for the job!
That's my mom.

Mormon Mishaps and Mischief... WIN!

2010-05-04T11:15:00.000-07:00

Do you like to laugh out loud? If not, you must be a rock, so what are you doing on the Internet?
This collection of zany and humorous incidents within the walls of the Mormon religion is good enough to take to church for a grown-up quiet book... no, wait... everyone would be laughing. Scratch that.
You should keep it by your bed, to read before you go to sleep... no, wait... it's hard to sleep while giggling. Never mind.
How about you get a copy just to love and read whenever the skies are gray and the sink is full of dishes? Yeah, that'll work!

The Mormon Mishaps and Mischief Giveaway and Blog Tour!

In celebration of Mothers, and all they do for us, Mormon Mishaps authors C.L. Beck and D.N. Giles have put together a giveaway in conjunction with a week-long blog tour. If you aren’t interested in winning a fantastic advertising package valued at $150, you can stop reading now.

Wait, you’re still reading. That must mean you want to hear about our prize package, correct? Well. Okay then.

Let me first tell you a little about our sponsors, yourLDSneighborhood.com and YourLDSradio.com.

yourLDSneighborhood.com is an online shopping mall which features innovative products and LDS-based services, and great ideas for your home, all without the worries of questionable content. Shopping categories include Clothing, Music, Preparedness, Family Entertainment, Scrapbooking, Books and Art, Health and Food, Travel and Recreation, Weddings and more! Visit yourLDSneighborhood.com today.

Your LDS Neighborhood Newsletter is a free online newsletter that comes three times a week right to your email inbox. It provides topical stories and insights that set the tone for your day. The newsletter brings you articles, products, services, resources, and interviews from around the world, all with an LDS focus. Sign up today by clicking here!

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Okay, and now for the prize!

Your LDS Neighborhood has offered a YEAR LONG advertising package which includes space on the Neighborhood website as well as tiles in the newsletter. Were you to purchase advertising with them, this package would cost $150.

Here’s the best part. You don’t have to be LDS to advertise with the Neighborhood. As long as the business, blog, or product you’re promoting is family friendly, this advertising package will benefit you. Neighborhood ads are viewed daily around the globe, and by thousands of people.

So how do you win?

Entries will be accepted between May 4th and midnight, MST, May 16th. On May 17th, (or as close there about as possible) the winners will be chosen and announced on the LDS Humor blog. Although it's not required for entry, please take a minute to read the Mormon Mishaps and Mischief review/interview I've posted. Then, you must do the following four things to enter (but don't worry, they aren't hard):

1. Follow my blog, here.
2. Leave a comment here, at this blog.
3. Follow the LDS Humor blog.
4. Follow the Your LDS Neighborhood Newsletter blog.

Extra entries:
1. Blog about this contest, then come back and leave either a url address or a link in a comment.
2. Follow me on Twitter. (Bloggers, you can hyperlink this to your twitter page if you’d like, or include your twitter username.) And then tweet the contest. (Make sure to mention this in a comment.)
3. Facebook the contest. If your Facebook page is private, and I’m not your friend, I can’t see that you’ve done this, so you’ll need to friend me.(Same goes here.) Be sure to leave the link to where you've FB'd the contest in a comment.

All of these options can be mentioned in a single comment, and you can enter at all the participating blogs, as long as you follow and leave a comment for those bloggers so they know you love them.

You may enter this contest here, as well as on any of the tour posts at the following blogs:

May 4th Rachelle Christensen
May 4th Shirley Bahlmann
May 5th Karlene Browning
May 5th Heather Gardener, Fire and Ice Book Reviews
May 6th Kellie Buckner
May 6th Rachel Rager
May 7th Shauna Chambers
May 7th Heather Justesen
May 10th LDS Humor Blog
May 10th Keith Fisher
May 11th Tristi Pinkston
May 11th Rebecca Talley
May 12th Taffy Lovell
May 12th Kimberly Job
May 13th Connie Hall
May 13th Ali Cross

To purchase Mormon Mishaps and Mischief click here.

A Bag Lady and the Lady in Red

2010-05-02T17:57:00.001-07:00

Yes, this is me with my classy friend, Tami. I am carrying luggage, she is cool and collected in her suave red dress. She is the original Lady in Red, I am a the Bag Lady. How fun to have variety in life!
I decided today that I need to make "Don't Worry Be Happy," my theme song. If I knew how to put songs on blogs, I would put that one on here. Since I don't know how, you can click this link and sing along. Don't Worry Be Happy by Bob Marley
Be happy, mon.

Your Face Will Turn Green!

2010-04-17T18:17:00.000-07:00

I recently became acquainted with a delicious drink made from a can of pineapple (including juice) a banana, and fresh spinach leaves (I just put in about half a bag... I don't measure) mixed up in a blender! The resulting drink is thick, green, and delicious! When the kindergarten class I substituted in yesterday saw me drinking it, they were appalled. "Mrs. Bahlmann," said one little girl, her eyes big and serious, "if you drink too much of that, your face will turn green."
Hm. There's a book title for you! "The Girl With the Green Face." It has a nice ring to it!
Have a smiley day!

Easter, Oh, Easter!

2010-04-06T15:38:00.000-07:00

IT WAS MICHAEL who remembered the Easter Bunny this year. On Easter Sunday, we celebrate the resurrection of Christ. On Monday, the Easter Bunny comes hopping down the bunny trail, and look what he left! It did my heart good to take pictures of my little boys finding Easter treats. It did my waistline bad to eat some. I mean, I KNOW WHAT THEY TASTE LIKE! So why did I think they'd be any different this year? They weren't!
In good-news-on-the-home-front, I got my Christmas story sent out to different publishers! It's my fondest hopeful greenie-and-growy wish that someone wants to publish it soon!
Ah, what a wonderful world.

Thankful...

2010-03-28T20:05:00.000-07:00

Justin Osmond sent me a message from India about a cow lying in the middle of the road. Since cows are sacred there, people were driving around it. He wrote that he wanted to get his paintball gun and blast it! That made me laugh.
But then he wrote about a man who'd contracted polio as a child and had twisted little legs that didn't work. He dragged himself around by his arms. That nearly broke my heart. It also made me feel incredibly grateful for my legs, no matter how many varicose veins I have. So what if Bob tells me I don't have the right kind of toes for toenail polish? At least they work.
My heart was lighter when I realized how blessed I am in every part of my life. And I included that polio man in my prayers.
All will be well, because Father in Heaven is merciful and just.

Leprechaun traps

2010-03-17T13:46:00.000-07:00

I was headed home from yet ANOTHER day of substitute teaching at Ephraim Elementary (if the kids like you, you're as good as a rock star!) when I found three little boys setting a leprechaun trap. They showed me how the loop worked to tighten so they could catch the leprechaun by the ankle. They showed me their method of burying the end of the rope under a handful of snow so he wouldn't be suspicious. They gave me the sobering information that they'd caught him earlier, but he escaped when they were in class. Their little faces brightened when I told them that leprechauns were still out, because it was still St. Patrick's Day.
With determination borne of youth, two of them climbed up into the spindly bush where the end of the rope was tied. The third boy cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled, "We're giving up and going inside! We're not trying to catch you any more, leprechaun, so you can come out now!"
Then he made a dash for the spindly bush and ducked behind its skeletal branches, his excited blue eyes peering out for any flash of green.
I got out of there quick. After all, I was dressed in green from my shoulders to my feet, and those boys were so determined, they might decide I was a king-sized leprechaun!

HEY! You can get EDITED!

2010-03-10T22:14:00.000-08:00

There's a really cool contest, if you're a writer, that is, that involves a grand prize of having SOME OF THE PAGES YOU WROTE READ BY AN AGENT!
Guaranteed.
Okay, that's priceless. So check it out, why doncha? Click on:
Elena
or
http://suzettesaxton.blogspot.com/
HA, HA, I just got extra entry points for doing this, so I'm ahead of you!

Free Food!

2010-02-28T12:28:00.000-08:00

Anyone who knows me knows that cooking is not my favorite thing, at least, if I'm on the stove end. If I'm sitting at the table, I'm all for cooking. In fact, I'm so cooking challenged that when I was a college student, I would put a potato in the oven to cook while I went to class, then take it out and eat it when I got back. An hour later, I might open a can of green beans and eat them right out of the can. Hey, my stomach didn't care if I didn't eat different kinds of food at the same time.
So when I substituted at school Friday and found out that the Teacher Appreciation people brought in lunch for teachers, and were equally appreciative of substitutes, I got on the food wagon. It was all so delicious, from spinach salad to Hawaiian pizza to some kind of fluffy salad with... could it be?... cookie crumbles in it!
And in spite of the fact that I've lost 10 pounds in the last month by counting calories, I also gave myself a frosted brownie. And I counted every single chewy chocolate goodness calorie as it slid down.
It was worth every one

Michael's Happy Shirts

2010-02-22T09:50:00.001-08:00

I love hand-me-downs, hand-me-overs, or hand-me-ups. I don't care if clothes are new before I wear them. In fact, I passed some "new" jeans in the store a couple of weeks ago with so much wear on the front of the thighs that I'm sure my underwear would show if I tried to pull on a pair.
But this isn't about me. It's about 10-year-old Michael who was given some shirts from a shirttail-cousin-by-marriage. ;0)
When Michael discovered the bright colored golf shirts with horizontal stripes, he said, "I LOVE these!" For the next couple of days, he wore different bright golf shirts. "You know Mom," he announced, "these shirts make me happy. I can't help it. When I wear them, I'm always in a good mood."
If that's the case, then those shirts aren't going anywhere! They'll be "wear-me-outs!"

Articles of Faith of Mormon Culture

2010-02-14T12:05:00.000-08:00

(I don't know who wrote these, but they're pretty funny if you "get 'em!")

1. We believe in SUVs and minivans, as the form of transportation, and in knee length shorts, which are always nice, and in the multilevel marketing.
2. We believe that church ball players should be punished for their own fouls, and not for unsportsmanlike aggression.
3. We believe that through bread crumbs, cheese, creamy soups, and rice all casseroles can be saved through obedience to ward cookbooks and creativity in the mixing bowl.
4. We believe that the first layers and ingredients of the Dip are: first, beans; second, cheese; third, chopped tomatoes; fourth, the gift of sour cream; fifth, olives; sixth, salsa; seventh, guacamole, that is, if you have it.
5. We believe that a Mormon should have a distinguished or a cute name, that it is appropriate to name a child after a church leader or a historical figure including an ancestor, that alternative spellings and French prefixes only add to a name, and that when referring to the names of General Authorities, middle initials should be a part thereof.
6. We believe in the same wall decor that exists in many Mormon homes, namely, framed family proclamations, vinyl lettering, inspirational word signs, family photos, pictures of temples and Jesus, and so forth.
7. We believe in the gift of the re-gift, church books, crafts, family photos, baked goods, emergency supply kits, and so forth.
8. We believe in sparkling grape juice so long as it is nonalcoholic; we also believe in bringing root beer and sprite to ward parties.
9. We believe in all that we have scrapbooked, all that we will now scrapbook, and we believe that we will yet scrapbook many great and important things pertaining to our family, friends, pets, and vacations.
10. We believe in the literal mixing of ketchup and mayo and in the generous application of ranch dressing; that CBAs (church-based acronyms) will be used to describe YM/YW, PEC, the Y, NCMO, and CTR; that Mitt Romney will get Mormons to vote for him any time he runs; and, that the Mormons will enjoy reading Twilight and The Work and the Glory.
11. We claim the privilege of trying to identify common acquaintances with any visitor at church, and allow all other people at church the same privilege, and let them name drop the names of Famous and general authorities how, where, or what they may.
12. We believe in being subject to scoutmasters, pampered chef hostesses, and the writers of the U.S. News and World Report Rankings for professional schools, and in obeying, honoring, and sustaining Glenn Beck.
13. We believe in being above average, good at crafts, optimistic, and being fifteen minutes late everywhere we go. Indeed, we may say that we follow BYU football. We believe rumors about famous people joining the church, we hope to meet the three Nephites, we have endured many pyramid schemes, and hope to be able to endure all pyramid schemes. If there is anything cheap, free, sold in bulk, or given away when somebody is moving, we seek after these things.

Remodeling

2010-02-10T15:50:00.001-08:00

Ever since my bookcases collapsed, I have not seemed to be able to get on top of the clutter. It seems that most of what's left is, well, books. I just can't throw them away, and I have to go through them to see which ones I can possibly part with for library donations. I mean, without bookshelves, where else can I put them? I have started a stack against the wall, bricklayer style, of titles I want to read and then possibly donate.
Another squirrel in the coconut tree is that Bron wants to paint his room... at least, I thought he wanted to paint his room. Now it appears that he wants ME to HELP him paint his room. I already spent about 4 hours scraping wallpaper off the narrow wall of his room (the only place three layers were plastered, thank goodness.) I thought I'd done my decorator time. But apparently not.
Hey, I know! We can re-do Bron's room with bookcase walls! That will solve everything.

Girly-Girl

2010-02-02T07:54:00.000-08:00

I went to see my sister last week, and found her 13-year-old triplet daughters playing beauty shop with nail polish. I lined up for the special treatment and got flowers painted on my fingernails and on one foot's worth of toes. (10-year-old Michael painted a variety of pictures on the other set of toes for me!)
I think they started something: while I keep my nails cut short for ease of typing, I actually dug out some small heart stickers this morning and am contemplating fixing them to my fingernails in honor of Valentine's Day!

Grammy Walking

2010-01-21T06:36:00.000-08:00

I've heard it said that older people tend to hunch when they walk and take smaller steps. The condition came upon me faster than I thought possible when I walked behind my grandson, Caspian, at Christmas.
Life is short. Do something you love.

Sweet Little Bunnies

2010-01-13T17:06:00.000-08:00

I saw the strangest ad tacked up on the community bulletin board at our local grocery store. On a lined sheet of notebook paper torn from a three-ring binder were soft blue letters proclaiming, "Little bunnies, $3.00 each, 555-1093" Then, in black words scattered among the blue was written, "cuddle" "eat" "whatever."

An unexpected shower

2010-01-05T20:26:00.000-08:00

I don't know about those automatic bathroom fixtures. You know, the ones where you just wave your hands, or your backside, depending on which commodity you're using, and it automatically does what it's supposed to? Flushing, dispensing water, soap, towels, or hot air are things I'd really rather do myself. I mean, I've stood in a bathroom stall before, waiting for things to disappear before I unlocked the door. And waiting. And waiting. Until, finally, FLOOSH! There it goes, and I can leave at last.
One time, I went into a restroom that had an automatic flusher, an automatic faucet, and an automatic soap dispenser, so naturally when I needed a towel, I just waved my hands over the magic sensor... but where was it? I felt like a mime as I ran my hands around the front, sides, and bottom of the towel dispenser without actually touching it.
Then I saw the lever.
Oh, I was supposed to push the lever MANUALLY to dispense a towel. I'm sure there was a hidden camera in there somewhere.
This Christmas, we went to Temple Square. There was a line in the ladies' bathroom, so when I got done with the automatic flush toilet that was reluctant to flush, I wondered if any of the waiting ladies were desperate. I quickly pushed a button on the toilet that I thought might flush it, but it turned out to be the sensor. So, putting modesty aside, I pushed out of the door, shrugged, and said, "It's supposed to flush automatically, but it's not doing its job."
Then I hurried to the sink and stuck my hands beneath the faucet. No water came out. In a hurry to get away before the lady who'd gone into my un-flushed stall came out, I moved my hands up and down, touching the faucet on each upsweep. Well, that's when the water came gushing out, spraying out from the pressure of my hands like a hose all over the mirror and the lady standing at the sink next to me.
"Oops!" I cried. "I'm so sorry!"
The last thing I heard as I fled was laughter, followed by the blessed words, "That's okay."

Jingle blog, Jingle blog, Jingle all the blog...

2009-12-29T16:40:00.000-08:00

We were hurrying to get to the publisher to pick up some books before visiting family for Christmas. I was sitting in the car, waiting for my sons, when one of them called out to me from the front door, "Mom? Do you have something in the microwave?"
"My squash!" I yelled. I vaulted out of the car, dumped the heated banana squash in a bag, and carried it to the car where I squeezed it out and ate it while driving to our destination. (Hey, it's no worse than eating a hamburger while driving down the road, is it? Vegetarians would say it's even BETTER!)
Then, on the freeway, I saw that my gas gauge read "EMPTY." No way! I'd filled it the day before for the trip! Had someone siphoned my gas? Was there a hole in the tank? There was nothing else to do but keep going until I found a gas station or chugged to a fuel-less stop at the side of I-15. Heart in my throat, I drove on until, thankfully, I rolled into a gas station.
My car only took three gallons, so I set the odometer so I'd know when to gas up again, and made it to the publisher with 5 minutes to spare.
To make a long story short, my car tires tug to the right when the car veers or turns right, my 10-year-old slipped and fell at Temple Square when we went to see the lights, my older sons made bunny ears on one another during family pictures, and when we got home, one of the cats was in the house (they are not house cats) and I got to clean up the cat poopies.
Merry Christmas, everyone!

Dawn's Early Light book review, L.C. Lewis

2009-12-14T06:26:00.000-08:00

SIMPLY MAKE A COMMENT BEFORE DECEMBER 18 AND YOU COULD WIN A FREE BOOK! (Just in time for Christmas! Woohoo!)
First of all, may I say, “Free Men and Dreamers” is a great title for a series? May I also say that I have had a long, enduring love for history? When I was a child, any time we’d ride in the car past an old, falling down house, I’d find myself wondering, “Who built that? What does it look like inside? Who lived there? Why did they move away?” My siblings would be singing how many bottles of root beer were on the wall, and I’d be staring out the back window, entranced by a condemned building with half a porch, a collapsed roof, and a pile of hanta virus just waiting to happen.
I turned my love of history into a series of true pioneer storybooks, while author L.C. Lewis went back even further in time to the War of 1812. I was impressed to discover that Lewis was a double finalist in 2008’s National Best books Competition. I’m also impressed that Lewis set her story against a lesser-known war than, say, the Revolutionary or Civil War. I haven’t read “Dark Sky At Dawn” or “Twilight’s Last Gleaming,” so I was delighted to discover that “Dawn’s Early Light” could stand alone, as each of the other books does.
This book started with an emotional hook that pulled me into the following pages, because I am also a vivid dreamer like Lewis’s character, Lord Everett Spencer. Lewis’s research is faultless, and it’s obvious that she put her heart and soul into the pages. The lives of the characters, particularly the Pearson’s and Stansbury’s, interweave in complex threads that make an intriguing tapestry of a tale, bringing historic events up close and personal to the reader.
One thing that you definitely don’t want to overlook is the Historical Notes and Sources at the end. Okay, okay, I’ll admit that she did a better job than me at getting to the source of her information. Reading her notes was like looking into an intriguing old house with a fallen roof and collapsed porch, its walls full of fascinating and heart-wrenching old stories.
Get a copy and read it for yourself! This is good brain food.
Visit L.C. Lewis's website here!
Visit L.C. Lewis's blog here!

Hemoglobin Goblins

2009-12-14T05:43:00.000-08:00

I was just trying to do my civic and moral duty by donating blood, but it seems my right hand knoweth not what my left hand doeth. The blood-taker-person poked my left-hand finger, tested the blood, and said my hemoglobin was too low. But I had an option: if I wanted someone else to test blood from my other hand, the numbers might be higher.
I've never heard of such a thing. But it was true. My right hand had enough hemoglobin that they took a blood donation from my right arm.
All I can say is, my body parts had better quit hoarding the blood and start sharing. All for one, and all that.

A Snow Globe that Won't Die!

2009-12-02T13:20:00.000-08:00

Okay, it's after Thanksgiving, so I'm allowed to put up my snow globe, right? RIGHT! Even though my husband and oldest son home (18) have tried to throw it away more than once.
Never.
It's cool. It's twelve feet tall. And it has holes.
I glued a bunch of ripped seams together last year. Now there's another one, in a new place, right by the blower. But I've got my surgical glue, my surgical gloves, and my determination to have a happy, smiling, snowflakes-falling-on-a-giant-snowman holiday!
Just wait, in a few years, there's be more glue than snow globe... but it'll be there, wishing you a Merry Christmas!

At The Bookstore

2009-11-21T19:16:00.000-08:00

I got to take Bron to a grand opening book store, Dragons and Fairy Tales, in Eagle Mountain, Utah. He did a good job, because people flocked to his table even after I quit refilling the treat plates. (Kids were taking cookies by the handful!) So we know it wasn't the treats, it was his glowing personality! ;0)